THE LATEST NEWS...

Well, I was checking out some of the latest news on the World Wide Web of misinformation, and a few things just jumped out at me....

Researchers have found that plants actually talk to each other to spread information. So you are not just imagining that little voice coming from your plant saying "smoke me, smoke me"?

"Esquire" magazine has named Charlize Theron the "Sexiest Woman Alive". In other words, "Esquire" magazine still doesn't know that everyone who reads it is gay.

Chrysler autoworkers walked off the job because the automaker has failed to provide a new contract. And also medical proof that assembling PT Cruisers doesn't make them gay. (???)

Beer companies Coors and Miller have announced they are merging. Coors Light and Miller Lite coming together? Finally, a reason for Hollister-wearing frat boys and short, cowboy Mexicans to put aside their differences.

Groups are making a push to have the drinking age lowered to 18. . . . Because if you're old enough to fight and die for your country, then you're old enough to wake up next to a chubby girl you don't know.

German researchers claim that chimpanzees make more rational choices than human beings . For instance. . . chimps don't marry.

The Rubik's Cube World Championships took place in Budapest last weekend. And before you start making fun of these virginal dorks and their puzzle games, keep in mind that you're the one that has NO idea where Budapest is.

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon married last weekend on the Las Vegas Strip. . .
. . . Salomon is best known for making a sex-tape with Paris Hilton and was previously married to actress Shannen Doherty. Anderson is best known for making a sex-tape with Tommy Lee and was previously married to singer Kid Rock.
. . . The couple is registered at the Centers for Disease Control.

MONKEYS AND MEN!!!

AN ORANGUTAN IN THE NETHERLANDS WON'T MATE. . . BECAUSE HE'S ONLY INTERESTED IN BLONDE, TATTOOED HUMANS!!!

THIS is single-handedly better proof that humans and monkeys are evolutionarily linked than ANYTHING CHARLES DARWIN ever wrote.

Sibu is an orangutan at the Apenheul Primate Park in the Netherlands. And his handlers really wanted him to become the breeding male for the park. Except there's a problem.

Sibu isn't interested at ALL in female orangutans.

All he wants are HUMAN females. . . who have BLONDE hair. . . and TATTOOS!!! (--TELL me that you and Sibu aren't related somewhere on a family tree. Come on!!!)

A spokeswoman for the park says, quote, "Orangutans have special interests in special subjects. Sibu happens to like blonde women, and tattoos."
(Reuters U.K.)

(Now I ain't no scientist but, I think Sibu just biologically KNOWS what all HUMAN males biologically know: There's NOTHING like a tattooed blonde woman to GUARANTEE you the most memorable night of your life. I KNOW this orangutan, Hell, I AM this orangutan.)

Hard Learned Lessons.

Some things you just have to learn on your own...Why???

When I was younger, I mowed lawns for my money. I had an old pushmower that could only be shut off by un-hooking the spark plug. My dad told me, with a grin, that I could shut off the motor by pissin' on it. I thought that was just the dumbest thing I had ever heard.
Sure enough, about a week later I was just finishing cuttin' Mrs. Fosters yard, and was out of sight behind a storage shed. I had to pee awful bad, and I thought "I'll give it shot." Let me save you a lot of pain and discomfort by just telling you.... DON'T PEE ON THE SPARK PLUG OF A RUNNING LAWN MOWER!!! Of course back then I didn't think to spread my hard earned wisdom. Instead, I told my little brother he could shut off the lawn mower engine by peeing on the spark plug....

Now that I'm older, and a little more mellowed with age, I think I'm just going to share my hard learned lessons with folks, when I think they need it. You know? Use my knowledge for good, and the betterment of mankind.

Here's a couple things...

If you see someone passed out drunk, roll'em over on their belly, that way they don't choke on their own vomit. Again, DON'T pee on sparkplugs, or electric fences. THAT'S IMPORTANT. Don't pick at it or it will never heal, my mama always told me that. Tanning beds are HOTTER than the sun. Never, and I mean never ever, shave your nether regions.

I hope some of this helps, and I hope some of you will decide to share your wisdom too. Although, to be fair, when my litttle brother pissed on that lawn mower...

I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!!

THIS YEAR'S NEIMAN MARCUS CHRISTMAS CATALOG INCLUDES A PRIVATE SUBMARINE AND CONVERSATIONAL ROBOT:

Yesterday, Neiman Marcus released its annual Christmas catalog. . . and, like always, they included a section of totally RIDICULOUS and completely unaffordable gifts for the ultra-ultra wealthy. Here are the highlights:

DRAGON TOPIARY. Want a 100-foot long dragon made completely out of plants and trees on your lawn??? You can get it, complete with gold-leafed horns, claws and teeth, starting at $35,000.

HIS AND HERS PORTRAIT IN CHOCOLATE. A Brazilian artist will paint a five foot-by-four foot picture of you and your husband or wife. . . made entirely out of CHOCOLATE SYRUP. Only $110,000.

PRIVATE ORCHESTRA. Get the world-famous Kirov Orchestra to come to your party. They'll play a private concert for you and 499 friends. And. . . the party will be hosted by REGIS PHILBIN!!! (???) Just $1.59 MILLION.

PRIVATE SUBMARINE. All of the world's richest people are buying private submarines now. You should get in on that. This sub dives to 1,000 feet, is controlled by a joystick, and seats two. . . in leather seats. Only $1.44 MILLION.

TALKING ROBOT. It looks like a male fortune teller's head in a crystal ball. But it's controlled by artificial intelligence software and 30 robotic micro-motors. . . so it can carry on full, lifelike conversations and build relationships with people. (???) Just $75,000.

305-CARAT DIAMOND NECKLACE. This is one of the largest diamonds ever. It's not polished, cut or altered. . . so it sparkles gold, green and amber. The price starts at $1 MILLION, depending on how much gold you want for the rest of the necklace.

JEWEL-ENCRUSTED CELL PHONE. It's a Vertu Signature phone that works in more than 150 countries. . . and is covered in 7.2 carats of diamonds. It's set in rose gold, and only 100 exist in the entire world. You can get it for $73,000.
(Neiman Marcus)
(You can see the catalog here. Click "See the 2007 Fantasy Gifts" to check out all of the ones we talked about, plus a few others. . .)
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/catalog/templates/F0.jhtml?itemId=cat14640731&parentId=&masterId=&icid=home1
(Neiman Marcus released its annual Christmas catalog.... So what. I put it up here for you to see, but believe me, it's NOT a big deal in my family. Wake me up when Walgreens comes out with their holiday coupons.)

CRACK-WHORE MOM OF THE YEAR!!!

WORST MOTHER OF THE YEAR??? DOING COCAINE OFF OF HER SON WHILE HE BREASTFEEDS MIGHT CLINCH IT:

You know I've told a lot of stories about that Crack-whore I was once married to, and in this line of work, we see tons of stories about unimaginably awful parenting. It's sickening. So, for us to be willing to say someone is THE worst mother of the year takes A LOT. But 37-year-old Wendy Knowlton Cook of Saratoga Springs, New York, may've just taken the title.

1.) Cook is a PROSTITUTE. And she would take her five-year-old daughter and eight-week-old son with her when she was "working".

2.) According to vice detectives, early Monday, Cook "performed on" at least two men in the front seat of her car. . . while the kids were AWAKE in the backseat.

3.) For the rest of the night, Cook was SMOKING CRACK right in front of the kids.

4.) And the worst move of all: WHILE she was breastfeeding her eight-week-old. . . she snorted a line of cocaine OFF OF HIS STOMACH. (--And THAT just crosses the line so far the line doesn't even exist anymore.)

Fortunately, one of the men she solicited on Monday was an undercover cop, who busted her. . . and got her kids AWAY from her. They're with family members now.

Cook was charged with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child and one felony count of reckless endangerment.

One more STRANGE detail: Cook comes from a WEALTHY family. Her father is Jack Knowlton, a horse racing icon, who owns FUNNY CIDE. . . the horse that won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness in 2003. (CBS 6 - Albany) (--Here's this demon's mugshot. . .)

BRITNEY AND HER BABIES!!!

Well, poor Britney Spears...
She has temporarily lost custody of her kids...supposedly because she defied a judges order to not drive them around, until she got a California drivers license, but I don't think that was the only reason. I thought, I'd make a list of the top ten reasons that she lost custody, but I'm lazy. So, here are my "Top NINE Reasons that Brit is Unfit"...

9.) She called O.J. to see if he could steal her kids back.

8.) She actually offered the kids to K-Fed in exchange for his Marlboro Miles.

7.) She always figured. . . "What's good enough for the kids on 'Kid Nation' is good enough for Sean Preston and Jayden James."

6.) She wants Phil Spector to produce her next album.

5.) She thinks it's cute the way the kids shake when they need caffeine.

4.) Just like Kanye, she blames all of this nonsense on MTV.

3.) She thought the four basic food groups were Red Bull, Doritos, Lollipops and a pack of Menthols.

2.) She breastfeeds everyone BUT the kids.

and #1.) She still doesn't know how she got pregnant to begin with. . . since she keeps telling friends that she never swallowed.