WHAT IF SANTA WAS A RAPPER???
(We're all accustomed to thinking of Santa as an old, fat, white guy. But I got a "Christmas Rap" as the song on my MySpace profile and it got me to thinkin'...what would happen if Santa had more of an urban flavor? Check out the . . .)
TOP THINGS YOU'D SEE IF SANTA WAS A RAPPER
He almost misses Christmas because he's out behind the workshop shooting dice with the elves.
All Christmas specials include at least one unplanned pregnancy.
Every time he says "Ho, ho, ho", three hoochies come up and start grinding against him.
Goodbye, festive red outfit . . . hello tracksuit.
Numerous arrests related to his beef with the Easter Bunny.
He's always late delivering gifts because his sleigh always gets pulled over by the cops.
Despite being 250 pounds overweight, he actually thinks he looks tough without his shirt on.
It takes him longer to deliver toys because he has to stop at a baby momma's house in every town.
He lies and says he's from the most dangerous neighborhood in the North Pole so white kids will think he's dangerous and buy his records.
Hours after he's delivered presents, his posse is still hanging out in your living room, trying to get with all the Santa groupies.
Excited kids can see him coming for miles, thanks to the moonlight reflecting off his sleigh's 20-inch rims.
When he flies over New Orleans, he won't stop shouting about how George W. Bush hates black people.
Half of the world's children he delivers to, are his own.
Yall feel free to add to the list......
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
A "REAL" COWBOY!!!???
A REAL COWBOY!!!???
Well, we did our little radio thing at Hooters the other night. I was there, tellin' the stories I tell, and doin' my thing as usual, and after the broadcast I sat at the bar to have a beer, and one of them Hooters girls asked me if I was a "Real" Cowboy. I said that I have spent most of my life in the "Country Culture", balin' hay, workin' horses, tendin' livestock, feedin' chickens, sloppin' hogs, takin' care of dogs and raisin' hell. So, yes. I think I am a "real" Cowboy.
I asked about her, and she said she's a lesbian. She said she wakes up in the and thinks about women. Drivin' down the road she thinks about women. Eatin' lunch she thinks about women. At work she thinks about women. When she takes a bath she thinks about women...All she does is think about women. She seems real comfortable in her skin about it, so I thought, good for her.
A few minutes later, a fella sits down on the other side of me at the bar and asked me if I was a "Real" Cowboy. I told him that I thought I was...... but now I'm thinkin' I'm a Lesbian.
Well, we did our little radio thing at Hooters the other night. I was there, tellin' the stories I tell, and doin' my thing as usual, and after the broadcast I sat at the bar to have a beer, and one of them Hooters girls asked me if I was a "Real" Cowboy. I said that I have spent most of my life in the "Country Culture", balin' hay, workin' horses, tendin' livestock, feedin' chickens, sloppin' hogs, takin' care of dogs and raisin' hell. So, yes. I think I am a "real" Cowboy.
I asked about her, and she said she's a lesbian. She said she wakes up in the and thinks about women. Drivin' down the road she thinks about women. Eatin' lunch she thinks about women. At work she thinks about women. When she takes a bath she thinks about women...All she does is think about women. She seems real comfortable in her skin about it, so I thought, good for her.
A few minutes later, a fella sits down on the other side of me at the bar and asked me if I was a "Real" Cowboy. I told him that I thought I was...... but now I'm thinkin' I'm a Lesbian.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
FOR VETERANS DAY...
Pvt. Henry Ward
We've heard the veterans of World War Two, described as the greatest generation. Well, just a few years ago my grandfather was recognized and honored by the State of Arkansas for his service to his country. This was the introduction from that night....
The 32nd Infantry division fought 654 days in New Guinea and the Southwest Pacific. More than any other division in WW II.
The 32nd was the first Division to fight against the Japanese in the South West Pacific.
11 Medals of Honor, 157 Distinguished Service Crosses, 845 Silver Stars, 98 Air Medals, and 11,500 Purple Hearts were awarded it's heroes.
It was a background of fever-ridden swamps and jungles. Soldiers lay, day after day in waterlogged foxholes, or crawled through murderous fire toward enemy positions.
New Guinea was the story of the courage of GIs who could always be counted upon to move forward. It was the ordinary soldiers who endured the worst deprivations that the jungle climate could offer. It was the lowly GI who was the brains, the muscle, the blood, the heart and soul of the great army that came of age in the southwest Pacific in 1943 and 1944.
Fight after fight, he never lost a battle. Those accomplishments and sacrifices are forever his and deserve to be remembered by ALL Americans.
But it was not without it's price - over 14,000 soldiers were killed.
Japanese snipers were killing off most of A Companies soldiers as they attempted to cross a river on a rope guide. That's when one soldier, convinced his platoon leader that he could go up river and lead his squad across by swimming against the currents, and utilize them to bouy across. He had learned these swimming skills as a young boy, swimming across Red River in Miller County Arkansas, and yes, he was successful in their crossing and they quickly defeated the Japanese snipers and took out all of the enemy machine-gun nests.
Many of these young Americans were killed trying to cross the river, but that young soldier from Miller County survived the horrors of WW II, and he is here tonight. He was sent to an Army Hospital in poor physical condition, and with total hearing loss in one ear. After several months of medical care, he ws shipped home, and he has worked for the last 60 years running a successful business, and providing for his family.
Ladies and gentleman it is my honor to introduce, a true American Hero from WW II...
Pvt. Henry Ward.
My Grandfather is gone now, and I miss him. I never actually just said, "Thank You" to him for his service to our country. I wish I had. I want to say Thank You to all of our American veterans. Thank you for what you did, for what you are doing now, and what you would surely do again if asked. Thank You.
We've heard the veterans of World War Two, described as the greatest generation. Well, just a few years ago my grandfather was recognized and honored by the State of Arkansas for his service to his country. This was the introduction from that night....
The 32nd Infantry division fought 654 days in New Guinea and the Southwest Pacific. More than any other division in WW II.
The 32nd was the first Division to fight against the Japanese in the South West Pacific.
11 Medals of Honor, 157 Distinguished Service Crosses, 845 Silver Stars, 98 Air Medals, and 11,500 Purple Hearts were awarded it's heroes.
It was a background of fever-ridden swamps and jungles. Soldiers lay, day after day in waterlogged foxholes, or crawled through murderous fire toward enemy positions.
New Guinea was the story of the courage of GIs who could always be counted upon to move forward. It was the ordinary soldiers who endured the worst deprivations that the jungle climate could offer. It was the lowly GI who was the brains, the muscle, the blood, the heart and soul of the great army that came of age in the southwest Pacific in 1943 and 1944.
Fight after fight, he never lost a battle. Those accomplishments and sacrifices are forever his and deserve to be remembered by ALL Americans.
But it was not without it's price - over 14,000 soldiers were killed.
Japanese snipers were killing off most of A Companies soldiers as they attempted to cross a river on a rope guide. That's when one soldier, convinced his platoon leader that he could go up river and lead his squad across by swimming against the currents, and utilize them to bouy across. He had learned these swimming skills as a young boy, swimming across Red River in Miller County Arkansas, and yes, he was successful in their crossing and they quickly defeated the Japanese snipers and took out all of the enemy machine-gun nests.
Many of these young Americans were killed trying to cross the river, but that young soldier from Miller County survived the horrors of WW II, and he is here tonight. He was sent to an Army Hospital in poor physical condition, and with total hearing loss in one ear. After several months of medical care, he ws shipped home, and he has worked for the last 60 years running a successful business, and providing for his family.
Ladies and gentleman it is my honor to introduce, a true American Hero from WW II...
Pvt. Henry Ward.
My Grandfather is gone now, and I miss him. I never actually just said, "Thank You" to him for his service to our country. I wish I had. I want to say Thank You to all of our American veterans. Thank you for what you did, for what you are doing now, and what you would surely do again if asked. Thank You.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
ADVENTURES IN ANTIGUA
Well, I was invited to do my radio...show...thing, at another Sandals resort in the Caribbean. This time the crew, Lisa, John, Wes, Laura, Cindy and I went to the awesome, Sandals Grand Antigua Resort & Spa. WOW!!! This place was amazing. We stayed in the new 70 million dollar, all-suite, Mediterranean Village. We are talking pure luxury from top to bottom. Before I tell you about the resort, I want to start at the beginning…
I started out by being late to our local airport, and almost wasn't allowed to board the plane. Apparently if you are a couple of minutes late, it's YOUR fault that American Airlines overbooked the flight by 16 tickets. I could probably understand over booking a flight by one, maybe even two seats, but 16??? Fortunately, there was a lot of folks later than me, so they let me fly. It was a pretty bumpy flight to Dallas. You would be surprised at how much one of those air-sickness bags can hold, just ask Lisa.
We got to DFW and decided to get a bite to eat before flying out to San Juan, mainly just to mess with Lisa, who was still a little ill from the flight. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been teasing Lisa so much. You know, Karma and all? I was eating one of those pig in a blanket type pretzel things, and broke a tooth in half. Broke it in half, and my crew seemed to make it a point to tell everybody it was a soft pretzel....why didn't they just say look at that old bastard right there. DAMN!!! Weird thing is, that I had just gone to the dentist the week before the trip, to fix a filling in that tooth, because I didn't want to take a chance on having a problem on my trip. It didn't hurt as much as it worried me about being on a tiny island for a week with a broke tooth, and the thought of Cindy getting felt up by security in San Jaun again, seemed to keep my mind off of it.
We touched down in San Juan sideways. That's right. The plane was a little sideways when it hit the ground. It was pretty freaky but everybody was cool about it and didn't say a word, until I did. We had to go outside of the airport and gun a quick smoke before heading out to Antigua. On past trips, Cindy seems to always get rubbed down and felt up by security in Puerto Rico, but not this time. This time it was Lisa's husband John. Now John is hilarious. He has a great sense of humor. Airport Security does not!!! John finally makes it thru, and we barely get back inside in time to catch our flight to Antigua.
We landed in Antigua while it was still daylight, and gathered all our luggage and headed for customs. You heard on the show, that John got into a fight with a midget. Here's how it happened. We were in line, moving toward customs to get into the country of Antigua, and this midget starts shoving his way through the line. He muscles up to us and tries to move around us. Nobody wants to be rude to a midget, I'm sorry he wasn't a midget, he was a dwarf. There is a difference. Anyway, I say "Hello little fella, ain't you cute." This guy just glares at me. John asks him, "Do you have a problem?" The little guy says, "I ain't happy." Then John says, "Well which one are ya???" That's all it took. It was on...like a little bitty chicken bone. He had these little tiny fists of fury, but John just put his hand on the dude's head and the wee fella was swinging at the air. Having witnessed all of this, Antiguan Customs officers took the little guy away, and placed him at the back of the line. We slip on thru customs, and WE ARE IN ANTIGUA.
We catch a van to the resort. Our driver was a really friendly guy by the name of Dudley, he drove us around and showed us some really cool stuff, and taught us a lot about the island on our way to The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa.
This resort is unbelievable. It is absolutely amazing. They put us in the All-New, All-Suite Mediterranean Village with rooms fit for royalty. Marble floors, fully stocked bars, giant king-sized four post beds, Jacuzzi tubs with separate glass and brass showers, and every suite has an ocean view with a cool balcony to hang out on. I mean, luxury to the hilt. John and Lisa just moved into their room. Un-packed their clothes and filled the drawers, and was set to stay...FOREVER.
It's pretty much become tradition that our first day at a new Sandals, we spend it on the beach. So, that's what we did. We sat on the beach and drank rum punch, and Wadadli Beer. That is all of us but Laura. She wasn't drinkin'??? Ms. Cindy and I played in the water, sat on the beach and did nothing, and it took ALL day to do it.
Before we knew it, it was time to get ready for the Cocktail party the Vanessa's were puttin' on for us. It was around this time that I mentioned my tooth breakin' on a pretzel on our way down to the island. My friends made sure everybody knew it was on a SOFT pretzel… the swine. The folks at Sandals said they know a great dentist, and would take care of it first thing in the morning...WOW!!!
Well, we go on out to eat at Eleanor's. Awesome Caribbean Cuisine...( I'm not sure how to spell Cuisine, but you couldn't just call it food. It was better than that.) Our waitress, I can't recall her name. Remembering names and Rum don't mix well. That's why all of the pirates have nicknames... Blackbeard, Redbeard, Hook, etc... Our waitress suggested I order the Shrimp Balls...??? I didn't even know shrimp had balls. I ain't never seen a shrimp's balls. I've had Bull Nuts and Mountain oysters, so what the hell. Bring'em on, but you better bring a couple hundred of'em cause I'm hungry. I have to tell you, Shrimp Balls are delicious, and a lot bigger than you would think.
All of the nine restaurants on the property are fantastic. All of them 5 Star Diamond rated. Amazing service, and the presentation of the food, the way they decorated the plates and all, was so cool. We partied on into the night, having a great time laughing our asses off. We were all drinkin' and smokin' big cigars... everybody but Laura???
So, the next morning we strolled down to the Bayside for breakfast. Real good omelet's made to order, the sweetest fruits, and the best Jamaican coffee, and this is when I'm told that I have a dentist appointment at 10AM. It's 9:30 and I start to thinkin' that this is a really small Island. Uh-Oh!!! What have I gotten myself into? We took off in a van across this island past these little tiny shops and what not, and I start to imagine pulling up to some hut in the rainforest, and a witch doctor jumpin' out, blowin' ashes in my face to knock me out and snatching the tooth out of my head. But we rolled into a nice little office outside of St. John, and I met Dr. Sengupta, who just happens to work on one Eric Clapton, when he's at his home in Antigua. All in all it worked out pretty good. He fixed me up, charged half of what it would cost in the states, and had me on my way by 11.
Cindy and I got back to the resort and met up with everyone else in our little group. I made up some story about a witch doctor whittlin' a tooth out of a coconut, and had everybody goin' pretty good until Dr. Sengupta showed up. He was not amused.... Sorry Dr. Sengupta.
We went down and checked out the broadcast tower above the main pool, and participated on some of the international broadcasts that were going on, they all loved my accent, but I can't hear it. Yall, You all...it sounds about the same to me. We met the tech folks and made sure all of the equipment was ready for the next day. Then, to the beach.
This beach at The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa, has been voted the best on the island. Antigua, is an island with 365 beaches. There is literally, a beach for everyday of the year, and the one at Sandals on Dickenson Bay is the best of them all. We really couldn't get enough of it.
The next day we did our broadcast and had a lot of fun with all of the guests the the Vanessas lined up for us. I told them you were listening. So, if anybody asks, you heard it!!! The Vanessas are Vanessa LeRouge with Sandals, and Vanessa Goodis with Clear Results Marketing. They lined up a tour for us to Stingray City for Friday morning. One killed the croc hunter... so think on that a couple of days. We recorded some stuff for Sandals, and finished up the show for Wednesday and got all dressed up for dinner at Mario's, the Italian Restaurant. Again, I just don't know the words to describe how good the food was, but I took pictures and posted them on the websites.
The next morning, we hooked up with the guy that took me to the dentist, Roger. He drove us all over the island to see the sights. If you can get to Antigua, find Roger Roberts' Taxi Service. He taught us so much about the history of the island, and the culture. It was fascinating. He took us to "Betty's Hope" and old sugar plantation that still has a working windmill. We stopped for beer at on of the local shops in a small fishing village. Laura had Ice cream??? Then we went to the south end of the island to the Atlantic coast. We went to the Devil's Bridge. That's where the Atlantic has crashed into the limestone coastline, and has formed a natural bridge. Legend has it, if you stand on the bridge and toss two eggs into the water, the devil will cook them and spit one back up to you. I crossed the bridge as a storm was coming onto the island. To hell with the devil, it's my bridge now. That's one of the coolest, and dumbest things I've ever done. Check out the pics on the web pages, www.myspace.com/thejce , or at http://www.kygl.com/.
Then we headed north thru the capitol city of St. John, and back to the resort to "work".
That night a terrible storm blew in and dumped more rain in 3 hours, than the island had received in the last 3 months. This caused a few problems at the brand new Mediterranean village. There were a couple of drainage issues, and a few minor things that I didn't think they could possibly have been prepared for. But, they were. You should have seen these people jump into action with hoses and pumps. I saw the General Manager, Jim Allmond, workin' a shovel. I knew from our interview, that he would do anything to keep his guests comfortable and happy, but I want to tell you he was WORKING that night. We went over and volunteered to help and he wouldn't hear of it. That night in the rain, lightning, and thunder, we dined at "Barefoot by the Sea", with amazing seafood, and white glove service. It was almost perfect. We were like like kids, playin' in the rain, and havin' a ball.
The next morning, bright and early, we took off for Stingray City. We get to this small building by the water with a couple of boats, and they go over some safety tips for swimming with the stingrays. YES, those kind of stingrays. Probably the most important tips our guide John Wade gave us, was to not get stuck in the heart with the barb that's on their tails, and don't breathe the water. We get into a boat, and head out to sea. After about ten minutes, we get to this big netted area out in the middle of nowhere, and sure enough the netted area is on the shallow part of a reef and it's full of Stingrays, Turtles, Lobsters, Fish and other sea critters. We put on our Snorkel & masks, and John, Wes, and I jump in. This is now the coolest thing I've ever done. Cindy wasn't feeling well, and she had a little bit of a fever...probably from playin' in the rain the night before. So, she wasn't getting into the water. Laura just said No Way??? Lisa was a little terrified, but she got in and even held them. You have got to see the pics of this, it was wild.
We got back the The Sandals Grand Antigua, and finished up our last day of broadcasting. We went on some of the other radio shows and told our stories about fightin' midgets, witch-doctor dentists, and shrimp balls. Cindy went to the Red Lane Spa to be pampered. She was going to meet us at the broadcast tower but never showed up. She was so relaxed from the spa, that she fell asleep getting ready for dinner. After the show I took off to find Cindy. She had crashed back at the room.
Then we all got dressed up again for our last dinner on the island at the OK Corral, in the Caribbean Grove of the resort. We had Akheem, from the restaurant, on our show. He said he could grill the best steak I would ever have. I can honestly say it WAS in my top 5, but the Grilled Swordfish was the best I've ever tasted. Akheem is a good kid, when he was on the radio he talked about how much he loved his mama and it was really good getting to meet him. After dinner, Sandals brought in the Antiguan National Dance Company to perform, it wore me out just watchin'. The costumes were wild and all the pretty girls were amazing dancers. I didn't think I would enjoy the show, seeing that there wasn't a stripper pole in the place, but it was really good, and we had a blast.
We strolled back to the Mediterranean Village, smoking cigars, and sipping cocktails took a few more pictures, then we all went to our suites to pack, we had to be on a plane the next morning at 8AM.
If you want a vacation that you will never forget, go to The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa, on the beautiful Caribbean island of Antigua. You will not be disappointed!!!
And CONGRATULATIONS to our good friends Wes and Laura…
The baby is due in July!!!
I started out by being late to our local airport, and almost wasn't allowed to board the plane. Apparently if you are a couple of minutes late, it's YOUR fault that American Airlines overbooked the flight by 16 tickets. I could probably understand over booking a flight by one, maybe even two seats, but 16??? Fortunately, there was a lot of folks later than me, so they let me fly. It was a pretty bumpy flight to Dallas. You would be surprised at how much one of those air-sickness bags can hold, just ask Lisa.
We got to DFW and decided to get a bite to eat before flying out to San Juan, mainly just to mess with Lisa, who was still a little ill from the flight. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been teasing Lisa so much. You know, Karma and all? I was eating one of those pig in a blanket type pretzel things, and broke a tooth in half. Broke it in half, and my crew seemed to make it a point to tell everybody it was a soft pretzel....why didn't they just say look at that old bastard right there. DAMN!!! Weird thing is, that I had just gone to the dentist the week before the trip, to fix a filling in that tooth, because I didn't want to take a chance on having a problem on my trip. It didn't hurt as much as it worried me about being on a tiny island for a week with a broke tooth, and the thought of Cindy getting felt up by security in San Jaun again, seemed to keep my mind off of it.
We touched down in San Juan sideways. That's right. The plane was a little sideways when it hit the ground. It was pretty freaky but everybody was cool about it and didn't say a word, until I did. We had to go outside of the airport and gun a quick smoke before heading out to Antigua. On past trips, Cindy seems to always get rubbed down and felt up by security in Puerto Rico, but not this time. This time it was Lisa's husband John. Now John is hilarious. He has a great sense of humor. Airport Security does not!!! John finally makes it thru, and we barely get back inside in time to catch our flight to Antigua.
We landed in Antigua while it was still daylight, and gathered all our luggage and headed for customs. You heard on the show, that John got into a fight with a midget. Here's how it happened. We were in line, moving toward customs to get into the country of Antigua, and this midget starts shoving his way through the line. He muscles up to us and tries to move around us. Nobody wants to be rude to a midget, I'm sorry he wasn't a midget, he was a dwarf. There is a difference. Anyway, I say "Hello little fella, ain't you cute." This guy just glares at me. John asks him, "Do you have a problem?" The little guy says, "I ain't happy." Then John says, "Well which one are ya???" That's all it took. It was on...like a little bitty chicken bone. He had these little tiny fists of fury, but John just put his hand on the dude's head and the wee fella was swinging at the air. Having witnessed all of this, Antiguan Customs officers took the little guy away, and placed him at the back of the line. We slip on thru customs, and WE ARE IN ANTIGUA.
We catch a van to the resort. Our driver was a really friendly guy by the name of Dudley, he drove us around and showed us some really cool stuff, and taught us a lot about the island on our way to The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa.
This resort is unbelievable. It is absolutely amazing. They put us in the All-New, All-Suite Mediterranean Village with rooms fit for royalty. Marble floors, fully stocked bars, giant king-sized four post beds, Jacuzzi tubs with separate glass and brass showers, and every suite has an ocean view with a cool balcony to hang out on. I mean, luxury to the hilt. John and Lisa just moved into their room. Un-packed their clothes and filled the drawers, and was set to stay...FOREVER.
It's pretty much become tradition that our first day at a new Sandals, we spend it on the beach. So, that's what we did. We sat on the beach and drank rum punch, and Wadadli Beer. That is all of us but Laura. She wasn't drinkin'??? Ms. Cindy and I played in the water, sat on the beach and did nothing, and it took ALL day to do it.
Before we knew it, it was time to get ready for the Cocktail party the Vanessa's were puttin' on for us. It was around this time that I mentioned my tooth breakin' on a pretzel on our way down to the island. My friends made sure everybody knew it was on a SOFT pretzel… the swine. The folks at Sandals said they know a great dentist, and would take care of it first thing in the morning...WOW!!!
Well, we go on out to eat at Eleanor's. Awesome Caribbean Cuisine...( I'm not sure how to spell Cuisine, but you couldn't just call it food. It was better than that.) Our waitress, I can't recall her name. Remembering names and Rum don't mix well. That's why all of the pirates have nicknames... Blackbeard, Redbeard, Hook, etc... Our waitress suggested I order the Shrimp Balls...??? I didn't even know shrimp had balls. I ain't never seen a shrimp's balls. I've had Bull Nuts and Mountain oysters, so what the hell. Bring'em on, but you better bring a couple hundred of'em cause I'm hungry. I have to tell you, Shrimp Balls are delicious, and a lot bigger than you would think.
All of the nine restaurants on the property are fantastic. All of them 5 Star Diamond rated. Amazing service, and the presentation of the food, the way they decorated the plates and all, was so cool. We partied on into the night, having a great time laughing our asses off. We were all drinkin' and smokin' big cigars... everybody but Laura???
So, the next morning we strolled down to the Bayside for breakfast. Real good omelet's made to order, the sweetest fruits, and the best Jamaican coffee, and this is when I'm told that I have a dentist appointment at 10AM. It's 9:30 and I start to thinkin' that this is a really small Island. Uh-Oh!!! What have I gotten myself into? We took off in a van across this island past these little tiny shops and what not, and I start to imagine pulling up to some hut in the rainforest, and a witch doctor jumpin' out, blowin' ashes in my face to knock me out and snatching the tooth out of my head. But we rolled into a nice little office outside of St. John, and I met Dr. Sengupta, who just happens to work on one Eric Clapton, when he's at his home in Antigua. All in all it worked out pretty good. He fixed me up, charged half of what it would cost in the states, and had me on my way by 11.
Cindy and I got back to the resort and met up with everyone else in our little group. I made up some story about a witch doctor whittlin' a tooth out of a coconut, and had everybody goin' pretty good until Dr. Sengupta showed up. He was not amused.... Sorry Dr. Sengupta.
We went down and checked out the broadcast tower above the main pool, and participated on some of the international broadcasts that were going on, they all loved my accent, but I can't hear it. Yall, You all...it sounds about the same to me. We met the tech folks and made sure all of the equipment was ready for the next day. Then, to the beach.
This beach at The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa, has been voted the best on the island. Antigua, is an island with 365 beaches. There is literally, a beach for everyday of the year, and the one at Sandals on Dickenson Bay is the best of them all. We really couldn't get enough of it.
The next day we did our broadcast and had a lot of fun with all of the guests the the Vanessas lined up for us. I told them you were listening. So, if anybody asks, you heard it!!! The Vanessas are Vanessa LeRouge with Sandals, and Vanessa Goodis with Clear Results Marketing. They lined up a tour for us to Stingray City for Friday morning. One killed the croc hunter... so think on that a couple of days. We recorded some stuff for Sandals, and finished up the show for Wednesday and got all dressed up for dinner at Mario's, the Italian Restaurant. Again, I just don't know the words to describe how good the food was, but I took pictures and posted them on the websites.
The next morning, we hooked up with the guy that took me to the dentist, Roger. He drove us all over the island to see the sights. If you can get to Antigua, find Roger Roberts' Taxi Service. He taught us so much about the history of the island, and the culture. It was fascinating. He took us to "Betty's Hope" and old sugar plantation that still has a working windmill. We stopped for beer at on of the local shops in a small fishing village. Laura had Ice cream??? Then we went to the south end of the island to the Atlantic coast. We went to the Devil's Bridge. That's where the Atlantic has crashed into the limestone coastline, and has formed a natural bridge. Legend has it, if you stand on the bridge and toss two eggs into the water, the devil will cook them and spit one back up to you. I crossed the bridge as a storm was coming onto the island. To hell with the devil, it's my bridge now. That's one of the coolest, and dumbest things I've ever done. Check out the pics on the web pages, www.myspace.com/thejce , or at http://www.kygl.com/.
Then we headed north thru the capitol city of St. John, and back to the resort to "work".
That night a terrible storm blew in and dumped more rain in 3 hours, than the island had received in the last 3 months. This caused a few problems at the brand new Mediterranean village. There were a couple of drainage issues, and a few minor things that I didn't think they could possibly have been prepared for. But, they were. You should have seen these people jump into action with hoses and pumps. I saw the General Manager, Jim Allmond, workin' a shovel. I knew from our interview, that he would do anything to keep his guests comfortable and happy, but I want to tell you he was WORKING that night. We went over and volunteered to help and he wouldn't hear of it. That night in the rain, lightning, and thunder, we dined at "Barefoot by the Sea", with amazing seafood, and white glove service. It was almost perfect. We were like like kids, playin' in the rain, and havin' a ball.
The next morning, bright and early, we took off for Stingray City. We get to this small building by the water with a couple of boats, and they go over some safety tips for swimming with the stingrays. YES, those kind of stingrays. Probably the most important tips our guide John Wade gave us, was to not get stuck in the heart with the barb that's on their tails, and don't breathe the water. We get into a boat, and head out to sea. After about ten minutes, we get to this big netted area out in the middle of nowhere, and sure enough the netted area is on the shallow part of a reef and it's full of Stingrays, Turtles, Lobsters, Fish and other sea critters. We put on our Snorkel & masks, and John, Wes, and I jump in. This is now the coolest thing I've ever done. Cindy wasn't feeling well, and she had a little bit of a fever...probably from playin' in the rain the night before. So, she wasn't getting into the water. Laura just said No Way??? Lisa was a little terrified, but she got in and even held them. You have got to see the pics of this, it was wild.
We got back the The Sandals Grand Antigua, and finished up our last day of broadcasting. We went on some of the other radio shows and told our stories about fightin' midgets, witch-doctor dentists, and shrimp balls. Cindy went to the Red Lane Spa to be pampered. She was going to meet us at the broadcast tower but never showed up. She was so relaxed from the spa, that she fell asleep getting ready for dinner. After the show I took off to find Cindy. She had crashed back at the room.
Then we all got dressed up again for our last dinner on the island at the OK Corral, in the Caribbean Grove of the resort. We had Akheem, from the restaurant, on our show. He said he could grill the best steak I would ever have. I can honestly say it WAS in my top 5, but the Grilled Swordfish was the best I've ever tasted. Akheem is a good kid, when he was on the radio he talked about how much he loved his mama and it was really good getting to meet him. After dinner, Sandals brought in the Antiguan National Dance Company to perform, it wore me out just watchin'. The costumes were wild and all the pretty girls were amazing dancers. I didn't think I would enjoy the show, seeing that there wasn't a stripper pole in the place, but it was really good, and we had a blast.
We strolled back to the Mediterranean Village, smoking cigars, and sipping cocktails took a few more pictures, then we all went to our suites to pack, we had to be on a plane the next morning at 8AM.
If you want a vacation that you will never forget, go to The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa, on the beautiful Caribbean island of Antigua. You will not be disappointed!!!
And CONGRATULATIONS to our good friends Wes and Laura…
The baby is due in July!!!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
THE LATEST NEWS...
Well, I was checking out some of the latest news on the World Wide Web of misinformation, and a few things just jumped out at me....
Researchers have found that plants actually talk to each other to spread information. So you are not just imagining that little voice coming from your plant saying "smoke me, smoke me"?
"Esquire" magazine has named Charlize Theron the "Sexiest Woman Alive". In other words, "Esquire" magazine still doesn't know that everyone who reads it is gay.
Chrysler autoworkers walked off the job because the automaker has failed to provide a new contract. And also medical proof that assembling PT Cruisers doesn't make them gay. (???)
Beer companies Coors and Miller have announced they are merging. Coors Light and Miller Lite coming together? Finally, a reason for Hollister-wearing frat boys and short, cowboy Mexicans to put aside their differences.
Groups are making a push to have the drinking age lowered to 18. . . . Because if you're old enough to fight and die for your country, then you're old enough to wake up next to a chubby girl you don't know.
German researchers claim that chimpanzees make more rational choices than human beings . For instance. . . chimps don't marry.
The Rubik's Cube World Championships took place in Budapest last weekend. And before you start making fun of these virginal dorks and their puzzle games, keep in mind that you're the one that has NO idea where Budapest is.
Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon married last weekend on the Las Vegas Strip. . .
. . . Salomon is best known for making a sex-tape with Paris Hilton and was previously married to actress Shannen Doherty. Anderson is best known for making a sex-tape with Tommy Lee and was previously married to singer Kid Rock.
. . . The couple is registered at the Centers for Disease Control.
Researchers have found that plants actually talk to each other to spread information. So you are not just imagining that little voice coming from your plant saying "smoke me, smoke me"?
"Esquire" magazine has named Charlize Theron the "Sexiest Woman Alive". In other words, "Esquire" magazine still doesn't know that everyone who reads it is gay.
Chrysler autoworkers walked off the job because the automaker has failed to provide a new contract. And also medical proof that assembling PT Cruisers doesn't make them gay. (???)
Beer companies Coors and Miller have announced they are merging. Coors Light and Miller Lite coming together? Finally, a reason for Hollister-wearing frat boys and short, cowboy Mexicans to put aside their differences.
Groups are making a push to have the drinking age lowered to 18. . . . Because if you're old enough to fight and die for your country, then you're old enough to wake up next to a chubby girl you don't know.
German researchers claim that chimpanzees make more rational choices than human beings . For instance. . . chimps don't marry.
The Rubik's Cube World Championships took place in Budapest last weekend. And before you start making fun of these virginal dorks and their puzzle games, keep in mind that you're the one that has NO idea where Budapest is.
Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon married last weekend on the Las Vegas Strip. . .
. . . Salomon is best known for making a sex-tape with Paris Hilton and was previously married to actress Shannen Doherty. Anderson is best known for making a sex-tape with Tommy Lee and was previously married to singer Kid Rock.
. . . The couple is registered at the Centers for Disease Control.
Friday, October 5, 2007
MONKEYS AND MEN!!!
AN ORANGUTAN IN THE NETHERLANDS WON'T MATE. . . BECAUSE HE'S ONLY INTERESTED IN BLONDE, TATTOOED HUMANS!!!
THIS is single-handedly better proof that humans and monkeys are evolutionarily linked than ANYTHING CHARLES DARWIN ever wrote.
Sibu is an orangutan at the Apenheul Primate Park in the Netherlands. And his handlers really wanted him to become the breeding male for the park. Except there's a problem.
Sibu isn't interested at ALL in female orangutans.
All he wants are HUMAN females. . . who have BLONDE hair. . . and TATTOOS!!! (--TELL me that you and Sibu aren't related somewhere on a family tree. Come on!!!)
A spokeswoman for the park says, quote, "Orangutans have special interests in special subjects. Sibu happens to like blonde women, and tattoos."
(Reuters U.K.)
(Now I ain't no scientist but, I think Sibu just biologically KNOWS what all HUMAN males biologically know: There's NOTHING like a tattooed blonde woman to GUARANTEE you the most memorable night of your life. I KNOW this orangutan, Hell, I AM this orangutan.)
THIS is single-handedly better proof that humans and monkeys are evolutionarily linked than ANYTHING CHARLES DARWIN ever wrote.
Sibu is an orangutan at the Apenheul Primate Park in the Netherlands. And his handlers really wanted him to become the breeding male for the park. Except there's a problem.
Sibu isn't interested at ALL in female orangutans.
All he wants are HUMAN females. . . who have BLONDE hair. . . and TATTOOS!!! (--TELL me that you and Sibu aren't related somewhere on a family tree. Come on!!!)
A spokeswoman for the park says, quote, "Orangutans have special interests in special subjects. Sibu happens to like blonde women, and tattoos."
(Reuters U.K.)
(Now I ain't no scientist but, I think Sibu just biologically KNOWS what all HUMAN males biologically know: There's NOTHING like a tattooed blonde woman to GUARANTEE you the most memorable night of your life. I KNOW this orangutan, Hell, I AM this orangutan.)
Hard Learned Lessons.
Some things you just have to learn on your own...Why???
When I was younger, I mowed lawns for my money. I had an old pushmower that could only be shut off by un-hooking the spark plug. My dad told me, with a grin, that I could shut off the motor by pissin' on it. I thought that was just the dumbest thing I had ever heard.
Sure enough, about a week later I was just finishing cuttin' Mrs. Fosters yard, and was out of sight behind a storage shed. I had to pee awful bad, and I thought "I'll give it shot." Let me save you a lot of pain and discomfort by just telling you.... DON'T PEE ON THE SPARK PLUG OF A RUNNING LAWN MOWER!!! Of course back then I didn't think to spread my hard earned wisdom. Instead, I told my little brother he could shut off the lawn mower engine by peeing on the spark plug....
Now that I'm older, and a little more mellowed with age, I think I'm just going to share my hard learned lessons with folks, when I think they need it. You know? Use my knowledge for good, and the betterment of mankind.
Here's a couple things...
If you see someone passed out drunk, roll'em over on their belly, that way they don't choke on their own vomit. Again, DON'T pee on sparkplugs, or electric fences. THAT'S IMPORTANT. Don't pick at it or it will never heal, my mama always told me that. Tanning beds are HOTTER than the sun. Never, and I mean never ever, shave your nether regions.
I hope some of this helps, and I hope some of you will decide to share your wisdom too. Although, to be fair, when my litttle brother pissed on that lawn mower...
I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!!
When I was younger, I mowed lawns for my money. I had an old pushmower that could only be shut off by un-hooking the spark plug. My dad told me, with a grin, that I could shut off the motor by pissin' on it. I thought that was just the dumbest thing I had ever heard.
Sure enough, about a week later I was just finishing cuttin' Mrs. Fosters yard, and was out of sight behind a storage shed. I had to pee awful bad, and I thought "I'll give it shot." Let me save you a lot of pain and discomfort by just telling you.... DON'T PEE ON THE SPARK PLUG OF A RUNNING LAWN MOWER!!! Of course back then I didn't think to spread my hard earned wisdom. Instead, I told my little brother he could shut off the lawn mower engine by peeing on the spark plug....
Now that I'm older, and a little more mellowed with age, I think I'm just going to share my hard learned lessons with folks, when I think they need it. You know? Use my knowledge for good, and the betterment of mankind.
Here's a couple things...
If you see someone passed out drunk, roll'em over on their belly, that way they don't choke on their own vomit. Again, DON'T pee on sparkplugs, or electric fences. THAT'S IMPORTANT. Don't pick at it or it will never heal, my mama always told me that. Tanning beds are HOTTER than the sun. Never, and I mean never ever, shave your nether regions.
I hope some of this helps, and I hope some of you will decide to share your wisdom too. Although, to be fair, when my litttle brother pissed on that lawn mower...
I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
THIS YEAR'S NEIMAN MARCUS CHRISTMAS CATALOG INCLUDES A PRIVATE SUBMARINE AND CONVERSATIONAL ROBOT:
Yesterday, Neiman Marcus released its annual Christmas catalog. . . and, like always, they included a section of totally RIDICULOUS and completely unaffordable gifts for the ultra-ultra wealthy. Here are the highlights:
DRAGON TOPIARY. Want a 100-foot long dragon made completely out of plants and trees on your lawn??? You can get it, complete with gold-leafed horns, claws and teeth, starting at $35,000.
HIS AND HERS PORTRAIT IN CHOCOLATE. A Brazilian artist will paint a five foot-by-four foot picture of you and your husband or wife. . . made entirely out of CHOCOLATE SYRUP. Only $110,000.
PRIVATE ORCHESTRA. Get the world-famous Kirov Orchestra to come to your party. They'll play a private concert for you and 499 friends. And. . . the party will be hosted by REGIS PHILBIN!!! (???) Just $1.59 MILLION.
PRIVATE SUBMARINE. All of the world's richest people are buying private submarines now. You should get in on that. This sub dives to 1,000 feet, is controlled by a joystick, and seats two. . . in leather seats. Only $1.44 MILLION.
TALKING ROBOT. It looks like a male fortune teller's head in a crystal ball. But it's controlled by artificial intelligence software and 30 robotic micro-motors. . . so it can carry on full, lifelike conversations and build relationships with people. (???) Just $75,000.
305-CARAT DIAMOND NECKLACE. This is one of the largest diamonds ever. It's not polished, cut or altered. . . so it sparkles gold, green and amber. The price starts at $1 MILLION, depending on how much gold you want for the rest of the necklace.
JEWEL-ENCRUSTED CELL PHONE. It's a Vertu Signature phone that works in more than 150 countries. . . and is covered in 7.2 carats of diamonds. It's set in rose gold, and only 100 exist in the entire world. You can get it for $73,000.
(Neiman Marcus)
(You can see the catalog here. Click "See the 2007 Fantasy Gifts" to check out all of the ones we talked about, plus a few others. . .)
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/catalog/templates/F0.jhtml?itemId=cat14640731&parentId=&masterId=&icid=home1
(Neiman Marcus released its annual Christmas catalog.... So what. I put it up here for you to see, but believe me, it's NOT a big deal in my family. Wake me up when Walgreens comes out with their holiday coupons.)
DRAGON TOPIARY. Want a 100-foot long dragon made completely out of plants and trees on your lawn??? You can get it, complete with gold-leafed horns, claws and teeth, starting at $35,000.
HIS AND HERS PORTRAIT IN CHOCOLATE. A Brazilian artist will paint a five foot-by-four foot picture of you and your husband or wife. . . made entirely out of CHOCOLATE SYRUP. Only $110,000.
PRIVATE ORCHESTRA. Get the world-famous Kirov Orchestra to come to your party. They'll play a private concert for you and 499 friends. And. . . the party will be hosted by REGIS PHILBIN!!! (???) Just $1.59 MILLION.
PRIVATE SUBMARINE. All of the world's richest people are buying private submarines now. You should get in on that. This sub dives to 1,000 feet, is controlled by a joystick, and seats two. . . in leather seats. Only $1.44 MILLION.
TALKING ROBOT. It looks like a male fortune teller's head in a crystal ball. But it's controlled by artificial intelligence software and 30 robotic micro-motors. . . so it can carry on full, lifelike conversations and build relationships with people. (???) Just $75,000.
305-CARAT DIAMOND NECKLACE. This is one of the largest diamonds ever. It's not polished, cut or altered. . . so it sparkles gold, green and amber. The price starts at $1 MILLION, depending on how much gold you want for the rest of the necklace.
JEWEL-ENCRUSTED CELL PHONE. It's a Vertu Signature phone that works in more than 150 countries. . . and is covered in 7.2 carats of diamonds. It's set in rose gold, and only 100 exist in the entire world. You can get it for $73,000.
(Neiman Marcus)
(You can see the catalog here. Click "See the 2007 Fantasy Gifts" to check out all of the ones we talked about, plus a few others. . .)
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/catalog/templates/F0.jhtml?itemId=cat14640731&parentId=&masterId=&icid=home1
(Neiman Marcus released its annual Christmas catalog.... So what. I put it up here for you to see, but believe me, it's NOT a big deal in my family. Wake me up when Walgreens comes out with their holiday coupons.)
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
CRACK-WHORE MOM OF THE YEAR!!!
WORST MOTHER OF THE YEAR??? DOING COCAINE OFF OF HER SON WHILE HE BREASTFEEDS MIGHT CLINCH IT:
You know I've told a lot of stories about that Crack-whore I was once married to, and in this line of work, we see tons of stories about unimaginably awful parenting. It's sickening. So, for us to be willing to say someone is THE worst mother of the year takes A LOT. But 37-year-old Wendy Knowlton Cook of Saratoga Springs, New York, may've just taken the title.
1.) Cook is a PROSTITUTE. And she would take her five-year-old daughter and eight-week-old son with her when she was "working".
2.) According to vice detectives, early Monday, Cook "performed on" at least two men in the front seat of her car. . . while the kids were AWAKE in the backseat.
3.) For the rest of the night, Cook was SMOKING CRACK right in front of the kids.
4.) And the worst move of all: WHILE she was breastfeeding her eight-week-old. . . she snorted a line of cocaine OFF OF HIS STOMACH. (--And THAT just crosses the line so far the line doesn't even exist anymore.)
Fortunately, one of the men she solicited on Monday was an undercover cop, who busted her. . . and got her kids AWAY from her. They're with family members now.
Cook was charged with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child and one felony count of reckless endangerment.
One more STRANGE detail: Cook comes from a WEALTHY family. Her father is Jack Knowlton, a horse racing icon, who owns FUNNY CIDE. . . the horse that won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness in 2003. (CBS 6 - Albany) (--Here's this demon's mugshot. . .)
You know I've told a lot of stories about that Crack-whore I was once married to, and in this line of work, we see tons of stories about unimaginably awful parenting. It's sickening. So, for us to be willing to say someone is THE worst mother of the year takes A LOT. But 37-year-old Wendy Knowlton Cook of Saratoga Springs, New York, may've just taken the title.
1.) Cook is a PROSTITUTE. And she would take her five-year-old daughter and eight-week-old son with her when she was "working".
2.) According to vice detectives, early Monday, Cook "performed on" at least two men in the front seat of her car. . . while the kids were AWAKE in the backseat.
3.) For the rest of the night, Cook was SMOKING CRACK right in front of the kids.
4.) And the worst move of all: WHILE she was breastfeeding her eight-week-old. . . she snorted a line of cocaine OFF OF HIS STOMACH. (--And THAT just crosses the line so far the line doesn't even exist anymore.)
Fortunately, one of the men she solicited on Monday was an undercover cop, who busted her. . . and got her kids AWAY from her. They're with family members now.
Cook was charged with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child and one felony count of reckless endangerment.
One more STRANGE detail: Cook comes from a WEALTHY family. Her father is Jack Knowlton, a horse racing icon, who owns FUNNY CIDE. . . the horse that won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness in 2003. (CBS 6 - Albany) (--Here's this demon's mugshot. . .)
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
BRITNEY AND HER BABIES!!!
Well, poor Britney Spears...
She has temporarily lost custody of her kids...supposedly because she defied a judges order to not drive them around, until she got a California drivers license, but I don't think that was the only reason. I thought, I'd make a list of the top ten reasons that she lost custody, but I'm lazy. So, here are my "Top NINE Reasons that Brit is Unfit"...
9.) She called O.J. to see if he could steal her kids back.
8.) She actually offered the kids to K-Fed in exchange for his Marlboro Miles.
7.) She always figured. . . "What's good enough for the kids on 'Kid Nation' is good enough for Sean Preston and Jayden James."
6.) She wants Phil Spector to produce her next album.
5.) She thinks it's cute the way the kids shake when they need caffeine.
4.) Just like Kanye, she blames all of this nonsense on MTV.
3.) She thought the four basic food groups were Red Bull, Doritos, Lollipops and a pack of Menthols.
2.) She breastfeeds everyone BUT the kids.
and #1.) She still doesn't know how she got pregnant to begin with. . . since she keeps telling friends that she never swallowed.
She has temporarily lost custody of her kids...supposedly because she defied a judges order to not drive them around, until she got a California drivers license, but I don't think that was the only reason. I thought, I'd make a list of the top ten reasons that she lost custody, but I'm lazy. So, here are my "Top NINE Reasons that Brit is Unfit"...
9.) She called O.J. to see if he could steal her kids back.
8.) She actually offered the kids to K-Fed in exchange for his Marlboro Miles.
7.) She always figured. . . "What's good enough for the kids on 'Kid Nation' is good enough for Sean Preston and Jayden James."
6.) She wants Phil Spector to produce her next album.
5.) She thinks it's cute the way the kids shake when they need caffeine.
4.) Just like Kanye, she blames all of this nonsense on MTV.
3.) She thought the four basic food groups were Red Bull, Doritos, Lollipops and a pack of Menthols.
2.) She breastfeeds everyone BUT the kids.
and #1.) She still doesn't know how she got pregnant to begin with. . . since she keeps telling friends that she never swallowed.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
PetSmart???, or PetDumb???
Petsmart???
I don't think they're very smart at all.
Let me start by explaining that my best good friend is a dog...Cletus the WonderBeagle. The more people I get to know, the more I love my dog. One of his favorite things is ridin' in my truck, or I should say me drivin' him around in "his" truck.
Well, we got us one of them "PetSmart" stores here where we live. They say come on in, and bring your pets with you. I think to myself, "that's great". Now Cletus and I went through obedience training, he got his good canine citizenship certificate, and he loves walking on the leash, So off we go to PetSmart.
We pull up in to the store parking lot, and he sees people with their dogs and starts gettin' excited. We get out of the truck and he associates with a couple of the other dogs and all is going well. I let him burn off some of his excitement in the parking lot by lettin' him play with this friendly little spaniel named Daisy. Once he calmed a bit we went on into the store.
Things was goin' great. They have one of these "treat bars", kind of like a salad bar, but it's dog treats. We got a little sack full and went on about our business.
It was goin' really good until we made a turn onto the food aisle. That's where we ran into some dumbass holding two leashes, and on the end of each leash was a... Ferret.
That's when instinct kicked in. He didn't want to eat them, he just wanted to kill them.
It was the biggest, loudest commotion you ever heard in all your life. Ferret man was screamin', some old lady that was there started screamin', kids was cryin', fur and spit was flyin'. Then somebody called the cops. Being they were already near by, they got there in seconds.
I spent $300 on ferrets that day.
Me and Cletus both, have now been banned from PetSmart for life.
I don't think they're very smart at all.
Let me start by explaining that my best good friend is a dog...Cletus the WonderBeagle. The more people I get to know, the more I love my dog. One of his favorite things is ridin' in my truck, or I should say me drivin' him around in "his" truck.
Well, we got us one of them "PetSmart" stores here where we live. They say come on in, and bring your pets with you. I think to myself, "that's great". Now Cletus and I went through obedience training, he got his good canine citizenship certificate, and he loves walking on the leash, So off we go to PetSmart.
We pull up in to the store parking lot, and he sees people with their dogs and starts gettin' excited. We get out of the truck and he associates with a couple of the other dogs and all is going well. I let him burn off some of his excitement in the parking lot by lettin' him play with this friendly little spaniel named Daisy. Once he calmed a bit we went on into the store.
Things was goin' great. They have one of these "treat bars", kind of like a salad bar, but it's dog treats. We got a little sack full and went on about our business.
This really was fun. Shopping with my best good friend. I figured this might be something we can do together every weekend.
It was goin' really good until we made a turn onto the food aisle. That's where we ran into some dumbass holding two leashes, and on the end of each leash was a... Ferret.
That's when instinct kicked in. He didn't want to eat them, he just wanted to kill them.
It was the biggest, loudest commotion you ever heard in all your life. Ferret man was screamin', some old lady that was there started screamin', kids was cryin', fur and spit was flyin'. Then somebody called the cops. Being they were already near by, they got there in seconds.
I spent $300 on ferrets that day.
Me and Cletus both, have now been banned from PetSmart for life.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
A STUCK DILDO, AND MY SIDE OF THE STORY.
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment.
The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room.
The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her.
He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?
(FANTASTIC!!! THIS JOKE WAS GOING AROUND THE STATION THE OTHER DAY, AND ALL OF THE WOMEN LOVED IT??? THEN, EVERYONE GOT TO TALKIN' ABOUT...UM...LETS SAY "MECHANICAL EQUIPMENT". SOME OF THE YOUNGER GUYS GOT TO TALKIN' ABOUT HOW THEY WOULDN'T LIKE THEIR WIVES AND/OR GIRLFRIENDS KEEPIN'...UM...TOOLS. FOR THE RECORD, I SAY BETTER LIVING THROUGH TECHNOLOGY!!! I MEAN I'M 40 YEARS OLD, AND JUST ABOUT GIVE OUT... WORKED HARD, PLAYED HARD, FOUGHT MORE MEN, AND FOOLED WITH MORE WOMEN, THAN MOST OF THE GUYS IN THIS BUILDING. I NEED A BREAK. DAMN SKIPPY, I'LL BUY THE BATTERIES. I'M TIRED... DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M ALL MAN!!! I HAVEN'T HAD TO GET THE LITTLE BLUE PILLS OR NOTHING LIKE THAT, YET. LET ME PUT IT LIKE THIS, A PROFESSIONAL BOXER IS AN AWESOME ATHLETE, AND A PROFESSIONAL ROUND OF BOXING LAST 3 MINUTES...AND I'VE SEEN SOME BADASS DUDES GET KNOCKED THE HELL OUT IN THE FIRST ROUND!!! 3 MINUTES!!! BESIDES, IF IT TAKES MORE THAN 15 MINUTES, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. SOME GUYS MAY BE INTIMIDATED BY THE MACHINERY, BUT MY DAD ONCE TOLD ME WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER, AND THERE'S A TOOL FOR EVERY JOB... HE WAS RIGHT.)
The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room.
The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her.
He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?
(FANTASTIC!!! THIS JOKE WAS GOING AROUND THE STATION THE OTHER DAY, AND ALL OF THE WOMEN LOVED IT??? THEN, EVERYONE GOT TO TALKIN' ABOUT...UM...LETS SAY "MECHANICAL EQUIPMENT". SOME OF THE YOUNGER GUYS GOT TO TALKIN' ABOUT HOW THEY WOULDN'T LIKE THEIR WIVES AND/OR GIRLFRIENDS KEEPIN'...UM...TOOLS. FOR THE RECORD, I SAY BETTER LIVING THROUGH TECHNOLOGY!!! I MEAN I'M 40 YEARS OLD, AND JUST ABOUT GIVE OUT... WORKED HARD, PLAYED HARD, FOUGHT MORE MEN, AND FOOLED WITH MORE WOMEN, THAN MOST OF THE GUYS IN THIS BUILDING. I NEED A BREAK. DAMN SKIPPY, I'LL BUY THE BATTERIES. I'M TIRED... DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M ALL MAN!!! I HAVEN'T HAD TO GET THE LITTLE BLUE PILLS OR NOTHING LIKE THAT, YET. LET ME PUT IT LIKE THIS, A PROFESSIONAL BOXER IS AN AWESOME ATHLETE, AND A PROFESSIONAL ROUND OF BOXING LAST 3 MINUTES...AND I'VE SEEN SOME BADASS DUDES GET KNOCKED THE HELL OUT IN THE FIRST ROUND!!! 3 MINUTES!!! BESIDES, IF IT TAKES MORE THAN 15 MINUTES, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. SOME GUYS MAY BE INTIMIDATED BY THE MACHINERY, BUT MY DAD ONCE TOLD ME WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER, AND THERE'S A TOOL FOR EVERY JOB... HE WAS RIGHT.)
Pissed at Lee Greenwood
LEE GREENWOOD CANCELED A CONCERT HONORING VETERANS, POLICE AND FIREFIGHTERS BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THE PROMOTERS SHORTED HIM:
LEE GREENWOOD, who makes a good living trotting out his song "God Bless the U.S.A." at patriotic events, refused to take the stage at a concert last Saturday in Denver honoring veterans, police and firefighters. . . because he wasn't FULLY paid in advance.
Greenwood was promised $20,000 to headline a concert following the Colorado State Parade of Honor. His overpriced manager claims the organizers paid half in advance, and then on the day of the show, offered only $2,000 in cash, and a $2,000 check.
The concert organizers have a different story. They claim to have wired $14,000 in advance, and on the day of the show offered $4,000 in cash, plus a $2,000 check written by the Knights of Columbus, one of the parade sponsors.
Both sides say that the road manager refused to accept a personal check. . . (--whatever the amount). . . and that's when the show was canceled.
Greenwood's manager gave this lame explanation, quote, "In (Lee Greenwood's) eyes, it's no slam or anything against veterans or policemen or firemen or any of those people. It's just a business arrangement, and somebody didn't uphold their end of the bargain."
(TCS)
(Kiss my ass, Lee Greenwood. I Love the ONE song you are known for, but you can't have it both ways. You can't cash in on your "patriotism" and then blow off the very people you sing about because of a few thousand dollars. If you were really patriotic you would've put your ego aside and done the show. Hypocrite.)
LEE GREENWOOD, who makes a good living trotting out his song "God Bless the U.S.A." at patriotic events, refused to take the stage at a concert last Saturday in Denver honoring veterans, police and firefighters. . . because he wasn't FULLY paid in advance.
Greenwood was promised $20,000 to headline a concert following the Colorado State Parade of Honor. His overpriced manager claims the organizers paid half in advance, and then on the day of the show, offered only $2,000 in cash, and a $2,000 check.
The concert organizers have a different story. They claim to have wired $14,000 in advance, and on the day of the show offered $4,000 in cash, plus a $2,000 check written by the Knights of Columbus, one of the parade sponsors.
Both sides say that the road manager refused to accept a personal check. . . (--whatever the amount). . . and that's when the show was canceled.
Greenwood's manager gave this lame explanation, quote, "In (Lee Greenwood's) eyes, it's no slam or anything against veterans or policemen or firemen or any of those people. It's just a business arrangement, and somebody didn't uphold their end of the bargain."
(TCS)
(Kiss my ass, Lee Greenwood. I Love the ONE song you are known for, but you can't have it both ways. You can't cash in on your "patriotism" and then blow off the very people you sing about because of a few thousand dollars. If you were really patriotic you would've put your ego aside and done the show. Hypocrite.)
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