My good friend Pete is in the hospital over in Tyler, and I have been going back and forth to visit. He's in some kind of morphine fog, and nodding in and out. Well, the other day there was quite a few of us in the room with him when he, out of nowhere, said Jeff is kind of "metrosexual"...(???)
If you don't know what that is, don't feel bad, because I didn't either. I had heard of the term, but wasn't real sure what it was. Turns out, that's a guy that, dresses real sharp, and is up on fashions, gets his fingernails and toenails manicured and pedicured, gets his eyebrows and what not waxed....blah,blah,blah....
I would like to take just a minute to say "I AM NOT METROSEXUAL!!!"...I think.
Now, I do take pride in my appearance, and always wear a little "girl getter" so I smell nice, but I ain't metrosexual. I mean, I wear Wranglers. You can't wear wrangler jeans and be metrosexual...I'm pretty sure you would have to wear Jordache or somethin'.
I wear Justin Ropers. I'm pretty sure a metrosexual would have some of those boots with a zipper on the side of 'em.
I did have a polo shirt at one time, it had POLO in big blue letters on the back of it, and MARCO in big blue letters on the front. Surely that's not metrosexual.
I wear ballcaps and cowboy hats. It sounds to me that a metrosexual would wear a beret, or at least one of them funny looking golf hats.
I do keep my fingernails and toenails clean and trimmed, but I do it with an Uncle Henry pocket knife...is that Metrosexual???
Well, I got to get back to spinnin' some tunes, and talkin' on the phone you know...work.
Later....or for the metrosexuals out there....CIAO.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
HOW MUCH DO YOU LIE???
THE AVERAGE PERSON WILL TELL 109,575 LIES IN THEIR LIFETIME:
I'm not sure if this should make you happy, or very, very worried about society . . . but everyone else in the world is LYING just as much as you are.
According to a new survey in England, the average person tells FOUR lies every day . . .
. . . That's 1,460 lies per year . . . and 1,464 during leap years.
. . . Which comes out to approximately 109,575 lies over the course of your life. (--Assuming you hit the exact life expectancy of 77.8, and you're talking . . . and, therefore, lying . . . for 75 of those years.)
The four lies per person, per day is the average . . . but that's based on the average of both genders. If you just look at one sex at a time, men admit they lie five times a day . . . and women claim they only lie three times a day.
75% of both men and women say that women are better liars than men.
66% of people, or two out of three, say they don't feel guilty telling "white lies" . . . and 40%, or two out of five, say they're good at lying.
According to the survey, the most common white lie people tell is "There's nothing wrong with me; I'm fine." 28% of people say they use that lie regularly.
Here's the entire list of the top 30 white lies people tell, according to this survey . . .
1.) "There's nothing wrong with me; I'm fine."
2.) "Nice to see you."
3.) "I don't have any cash on me." (That's right: Homeless people and your broke, freeloading friends pushed this lie all the way up to number THREE.)
4.) "I'll give you a call."
5.) "Sorry I missed your call."
6.) "We'll have to meet up soon."
7.) "I'm on my way."
8.) "No, you don't look chubby in that."
9.) "I'm stuck in traffic."
10.) "No, I didn't get your text message.
11.) "I had no [cell phone] signal."
12.) "Of course I love you." (THAT'S a little white lie??? It's pretty significant to me. Unless you're trying to have relations with someone for the first time. Then OK.)
13.) "Our server must have been down."
14.) "My alarm didn't go off."
15.) "The check is in the mail."
16.) "My battery died."
17.) "The train/bus/subway was late."
18.) "I'll call you back in a minute."
19.) "This tastes delicious."
20.) "I'm going to the gym tonight."
21.) "We're just friends."
22.) "My watch stopped."
23.) "I've got a call on the other line."
24.) "I've been in meetings all day."
25.) "It's just what I've always wanted."
26.) "I wrote your number down wrong."
27.) "It was THIS BIG."
28.) "I'm working late tonight."
29.) "I bought the last one."
30.) "My car wouldn't start."
(Daily Mail)
(The most amazing thing to me: Look at how much the cell phone era has changed the way we lie. Saying you don't have a signal, didn't get a text, missed a call . . . even "I'm stuck in traffic" . . . these are all cell phone lies.)
(Have cell phones really made us all terrible human beings??? Or is technology just the most convenient excuse available??? 200 years ago, maybe the lies would've been "My horse wouldn't move" or "I broke an axle on my buggy.")
(And then, the social observers of that era would've speculated that the horse-and-buggy era turned everyone into horrible human beings. Let's go with that. It'll help us sleep better at night.)
I'm not sure if this should make you happy, or very, very worried about society . . . but everyone else in the world is LYING just as much as you are.
According to a new survey in England, the average person tells FOUR lies every day . . .
. . . That's 1,460 lies per year . . . and 1,464 during leap years.
. . . Which comes out to approximately 109,575 lies over the course of your life. (--Assuming you hit the exact life expectancy of 77.8, and you're talking . . . and, therefore, lying . . . for 75 of those years.)
The four lies per person, per day is the average . . . but that's based on the average of both genders. If you just look at one sex at a time, men admit they lie five times a day . . . and women claim they only lie three times a day.
75% of both men and women say that women are better liars than men.
66% of people, or two out of three, say they don't feel guilty telling "white lies" . . . and 40%, or two out of five, say they're good at lying.
According to the survey, the most common white lie people tell is "There's nothing wrong with me; I'm fine." 28% of people say they use that lie regularly.
Here's the entire list of the top 30 white lies people tell, according to this survey . . .
1.) "There's nothing wrong with me; I'm fine."
2.) "Nice to see you."
3.) "I don't have any cash on me." (That's right: Homeless people and your broke, freeloading friends pushed this lie all the way up to number THREE.)
4.) "I'll give you a call."
5.) "Sorry I missed your call."
6.) "We'll have to meet up soon."
7.) "I'm on my way."
8.) "No, you don't look chubby in that."
9.) "I'm stuck in traffic."
10.) "No, I didn't get your text message.
11.) "I had no [cell phone] signal."
12.) "Of course I love you." (THAT'S a little white lie??? It's pretty significant to me. Unless you're trying to have relations with someone for the first time. Then OK.)
13.) "Our server must have been down."
14.) "My alarm didn't go off."
15.) "The check is in the mail."
16.) "My battery died."
17.) "The train/bus/subway was late."
18.) "I'll call you back in a minute."
19.) "This tastes delicious."
20.) "I'm going to the gym tonight."
21.) "We're just friends."
22.) "My watch stopped."
23.) "I've got a call on the other line."
24.) "I've been in meetings all day."
25.) "It's just what I've always wanted."
26.) "I wrote your number down wrong."
27.) "It was THIS BIG."
28.) "I'm working late tonight."
29.) "I bought the last one."
30.) "My car wouldn't start."
(Daily Mail)
(The most amazing thing to me: Look at how much the cell phone era has changed the way we lie. Saying you don't have a signal, didn't get a text, missed a call . . . even "I'm stuck in traffic" . . . these are all cell phone lies.)
(Have cell phones really made us all terrible human beings??? Or is technology just the most convenient excuse available??? 200 years ago, maybe the lies would've been "My horse wouldn't move" or "I broke an axle on my buggy.")
(And then, the social observers of that era would've speculated that the horse-and-buggy era turned everyone into horrible human beings. Let's go with that. It'll help us sleep better at night.)
Monday, January 14, 2008
SHE WILL DO "IT", FOR A DRINK!!!
A WOMAN SAYS SHE'LL GET-IT-ON WITH A MAN IF HE BUYS HER WINE . . . THEN RENEGES, AND BEATS HIM, AFTER HE BUYS CHEAP WINE:
Here's some life advice that your father should've told you . . . but, just in case he didn't, I'm going to pass on. If you're at a 7-Eleven and you meet a woman there who offers to have sex with you on the spot . . . no matter how horny you are, you need to RUN.
At about 1:00 A.M. last Wednesday, a 48-year-old man was at a 7-Eleven in Bremerton, Washington, and, in their wine aisle, he met a 27-year-old woman. Their names weren't released.
They started talking, and the woman offered him a deal: He buys her some wine . . . she'll perform sexual favors.
She went outside to wait and he bought the wine. BUT . . . unfortunately, he decided to cheap out . . . and bought two bottles of THUNDERBIRD.
If you don't know your wine like I do, Thunderbird is a low-end fortified wine . . . the kind that hobos drink . . . like MD 20/20. It sells for around $3.50 a bottle. The website WineEnthusiast.com says Thunderbird, quote, "tastes like apples and urine." (That's why I go for the fancy "Boxed Wine".)
And the woman was NOT happy that the guy only felt her sexual favors were worth $3.50. (Although I'm not sure what she was expecting from 7-Eleven's wine aisle. Last time I checked, they don't stock bottles of 1787 Chateau Lafite.)
So she took the bottle . . . and SLAMMED IT into the guy's head. When the police got there, the man was on the ground, with two big gashes on his forehead and a bloody bottle of Thunderbird next to him. The woman was arrested for second-degree assault. (Kitsap Sun)
Here's some life advice that your father should've told you . . . but, just in case he didn't, I'm going to pass on. If you're at a 7-Eleven and you meet a woman there who offers to have sex with you on the spot . . . no matter how horny you are, you need to RUN.
At about 1:00 A.M. last Wednesday, a 48-year-old man was at a 7-Eleven in Bremerton, Washington, and, in their wine aisle, he met a 27-year-old woman. Their names weren't released.
They started talking, and the woman offered him a deal: He buys her some wine . . . she'll perform sexual favors.
She went outside to wait and he bought the wine. BUT . . . unfortunately, he decided to cheap out . . . and bought two bottles of THUNDERBIRD.
If you don't know your wine like I do, Thunderbird is a low-end fortified wine . . . the kind that hobos drink . . . like MD 20/20. It sells for around $3.50 a bottle. The website WineEnthusiast.com says Thunderbird, quote, "tastes like apples and urine." (That's why I go for the fancy "Boxed Wine".)
And the woman was NOT happy that the guy only felt her sexual favors were worth $3.50. (Although I'm not sure what she was expecting from 7-Eleven's wine aisle. Last time I checked, they don't stock bottles of 1787 Chateau Lafite.)
So she took the bottle . . . and SLAMMED IT into the guy's head. When the police got there, the man was on the ground, with two big gashes on his forehead and a bloody bottle of Thunderbird next to him. The woman was arrested for second-degree assault. (Kitsap Sun)
Thursday, January 10, 2008
SEX, RELIGION, AND POLITICS!!!
I was told by my Granny to never discuss politics, religion, or sex in mixed company and I would do alright. Well, I have had a number of folks ask me lately, "Who you votin' for?", and things have been going a little too good for me lately anyway, so I've decided to write on it a little...
In years past, I've said many times, "I'm not voting for anybody that's never fed their family Hamburger Helper because that's all they could afford". I've said, "The dynamics just aren't there if they've never had a scheduled "Sloppy Joe night". The closest I've ever come to having a maid is stayin' at a hotel...you know what I mean?
I am not a Republican...I am not a Democrat. I try to pick the one I have most in common with. I have a buddy that's always either drunk or high and sometimes both. He writes MY name in for president in every election. Don't laugh!!! It's not that funny if you consider that means I've come closer to being president than most folks you know.
I've been asked, "...what do you think about Hillary cryin'?". He asked, "What would be more embarassin' than your female president cryin' in front of some foreign head of state?". I said, "Havin' my male president cryin' in front of some foreign head of state". I don't know Hillary. I met Bill. I liked Bill. Hell, I still like Bill. So, he lied about foolin' around. Hillary is meaner than shit, and he was a little embarassed about foolin' with big girls. Now, I like a girl to be a little big too, so we had that in common.
I don't know about Barack Obama. Some folks will say people are afraid of what they don't understand. I've learned that if you just don't screw with shit you don't understand, you'll be alright. Kind of like me and electricity. I only know 2 things about electricity...You can't see it, and it will kill you. But back to Obama. I've seen some of the emails...is he a muslim, does he refuse to say the pledge of allegiance. I checked snopes on it, and some of the things they say about him is true, and some is false. You should probably check on it yourself. He won't dignify the questions with answers. So that tells me that as book smart as he may be, there's some Dumb-Ass in the mix too....and Oprah loves him, that bitch.
Mitt Romney, he's a mormon. I haven't done a lot of reading on Mormons, but I watch that show on HBO called "Big Love", and those folks are mormons. On that show, the guy has a bunch of wives that drive him absolutely ape-shit crazy. I don't know if Mitt's into all of that, but he would be a hell of a lot more interesting if he was.
John McCain....I like McCain, but he scares the piss out of me. He's got a temper, and frankly he's gettin' kind of old. Fact of business, my Grandfather had to quit drivin' at about that age, and he was a REAL AMERICAN HERO TOO.
Mike Huckabee is from these parts, he and my people go way back. I've heard him preach on Easter Sunday, I've participated with him in events at the Hope Watermelon Festival, and other little fairs and gatherings in the area over the years. I heard a complaint about him the other day. Some folks are pissed that when he left the Governor's Mansion, he registered at Target for some housewarming gifts or some mess like that to get stuff for his new house. Well, I can't even stay at a Motel 6 without taking an ashtray or two. I stayed at a Sandals Resort back in October, and I'm still using Sandals soap and shampoo. My head smells like a Mango right now, I swear. If it were me, I would have left the Governor's Mansion with all of the towels, sheets, tv's, toilet paper, and a got-dang Chandelier in the trunk of my wife's car. I like Mike, but I don't know if I'll vote for him. Chuck Norris is on his team, so I'm almost a little scared to not vote for him.
Keep watching, keep listening, and no matter who YOU choose...VOTE!!! Even if you write in some dumbass like me, VOTE!!! If you don't make some choice, you won't have a reason to bitch later.
And since my Granny was probably right, I have to say these opinions are mine, and probably nobody else's, and YES, I do know what they say about opinions.....Thanks.
In years past, I've said many times, "I'm not voting for anybody that's never fed their family Hamburger Helper because that's all they could afford". I've said, "The dynamics just aren't there if they've never had a scheduled "Sloppy Joe night". The closest I've ever come to having a maid is stayin' at a hotel...you know what I mean?
I am not a Republican...I am not a Democrat. I try to pick the one I have most in common with. I have a buddy that's always either drunk or high and sometimes both. He writes MY name in for president in every election. Don't laugh!!! It's not that funny if you consider that means I've come closer to being president than most folks you know.
I've been asked, "...what do you think about Hillary cryin'?". He asked, "What would be more embarassin' than your female president cryin' in front of some foreign head of state?". I said, "Havin' my male president cryin' in front of some foreign head of state". I don't know Hillary. I met Bill. I liked Bill. Hell, I still like Bill. So, he lied about foolin' around. Hillary is meaner than shit, and he was a little embarassed about foolin' with big girls. Now, I like a girl to be a little big too, so we had that in common.
I don't know about Barack Obama. Some folks will say people are afraid of what they don't understand. I've learned that if you just don't screw with shit you don't understand, you'll be alright. Kind of like me and electricity. I only know 2 things about electricity...You can't see it, and it will kill you. But back to Obama. I've seen some of the emails...is he a muslim, does he refuse to say the pledge of allegiance. I checked snopes on it, and some of the things they say about him is true, and some is false. You should probably check on it yourself. He won't dignify the questions with answers. So that tells me that as book smart as he may be, there's some Dumb-Ass in the mix too....and Oprah loves him, that bitch.
Mitt Romney, he's a mormon. I haven't done a lot of reading on Mormons, but I watch that show on HBO called "Big Love", and those folks are mormons. On that show, the guy has a bunch of wives that drive him absolutely ape-shit crazy. I don't know if Mitt's into all of that, but he would be a hell of a lot more interesting if he was.
John McCain....I like McCain, but he scares the piss out of me. He's got a temper, and frankly he's gettin' kind of old. Fact of business, my Grandfather had to quit drivin' at about that age, and he was a REAL AMERICAN HERO TOO.
Mike Huckabee is from these parts, he and my people go way back. I've heard him preach on Easter Sunday, I've participated with him in events at the Hope Watermelon Festival, and other little fairs and gatherings in the area over the years. I heard a complaint about him the other day. Some folks are pissed that when he left the Governor's Mansion, he registered at Target for some housewarming gifts or some mess like that to get stuff for his new house. Well, I can't even stay at a Motel 6 without taking an ashtray or two. I stayed at a Sandals Resort back in October, and I'm still using Sandals soap and shampoo. My head smells like a Mango right now, I swear. If it were me, I would have left the Governor's Mansion with all of the towels, sheets, tv's, toilet paper, and a got-dang Chandelier in the trunk of my wife's car. I like Mike, but I don't know if I'll vote for him. Chuck Norris is on his team, so I'm almost a little scared to not vote for him.
Keep watching, keep listening, and no matter who YOU choose...VOTE!!! Even if you write in some dumbass like me, VOTE!!! If you don't make some choice, you won't have a reason to bitch later.
And since my Granny was probably right, I have to say these opinions are mine, and probably nobody else's, and YES, I do know what they say about opinions.....Thanks.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
BADASS BOYSCOUT!!!
IN THE MALDIVES, AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON THE PRESIDENT IS STOPPED BY . . . A BOY SCOUT:
Who knew that the BOY SCOUTS were training kids to become THIS badass?!?
Yesterday, in the Maldives . . . which is a country, made up of a bunch of small islands, in the Indian Ocean . . . an assassination attempt was made on the president and he was saved by . . . a BOY SCOUT.
70-year-old Maumoon Abdul Gayoom is the president of the Maldives and yesterday, he went to one of the islands in the country, called Hoarafushi. A crowd had gathered to greet him.
As the president walked through the crowd, 20-year-old Mohamed Murshid pulled out a knife that he'd wrapped in the Maldives flag and ran up to try to STAB and kill Gayoom.
But the Boy Scout, 15-year-old Mohamed Jaisham Ibrahim, saw what was happening . . . ran over, and fought the knife out of Murshid's hand. THEN Gayoom's security guards figured out what was happening and tackled Murshid.
During the assassination attempt, Gayoom's shirt got torn and Ibrahim got a deep cut in his hand while he was wrestling the knife away.
Ibrahim was flown to a hospital in Male, which is the capital of the Maldives, for treatment on his hand.
A government spokesman says they don't know the motivation for the assassination attempt yet. Islamic militants HAVE been performing terrorist acts in the Maldives . . . including a bombing last year . . . so the government thinks they could be responsible.
In the Maldives, the Boy Scouts are just like the ones in the U.S. . . . they do things like camping and learn about first aid . . . and their motto is "Be prepared."
Gayoom has been president since 1978, and helped turn the Maldives into a major luxury tourism spot.
(Haveeru / MSNBC / Arizona Republic)
(I guess Ibrahim earned himself the rare "Saving a president from getting assassinated" merit badge, huh??? Here's a photo of Gayoom shaking Ibrahim's hand, JUST before Ibrahim saved his life . . .)
Who knew that the BOY SCOUTS were training kids to become THIS badass?!?
Yesterday, in the Maldives . . . which is a country, made up of a bunch of small islands, in the Indian Ocean . . . an assassination attempt was made on the president and he was saved by . . . a BOY SCOUT.
70-year-old Maumoon Abdul Gayoom is the president of the Maldives and yesterday, he went to one of the islands in the country, called Hoarafushi. A crowd had gathered to greet him.
As the president walked through the crowd, 20-year-old Mohamed Murshid pulled out a knife that he'd wrapped in the Maldives flag and ran up to try to STAB and kill Gayoom.
But the Boy Scout, 15-year-old Mohamed Jaisham Ibrahim, saw what was happening . . . ran over, and fought the knife out of Murshid's hand. THEN Gayoom's security guards figured out what was happening and tackled Murshid.
During the assassination attempt, Gayoom's shirt got torn and Ibrahim got a deep cut in his hand while he was wrestling the knife away.
Ibrahim was flown to a hospital in Male, which is the capital of the Maldives, for treatment on his hand.
A government spokesman says they don't know the motivation for the assassination attempt yet. Islamic militants HAVE been performing terrorist acts in the Maldives . . . including a bombing last year . . . so the government thinks they could be responsible.
In the Maldives, the Boy Scouts are just like the ones in the U.S. . . . they do things like camping and learn about first aid . . . and their motto is "Be prepared."
Gayoom has been president since 1978, and helped turn the Maldives into a major luxury tourism spot.
(Haveeru / MSNBC / Arizona Republic)
(I guess Ibrahim earned himself the rare "Saving a president from getting assassinated" merit badge, huh??? Here's a photo of Gayoom shaking Ibrahim's hand, JUST before Ibrahim saved his life . . .)
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
WHAT'S YOUR WIFE WORTH???
A MAN IN MISSISSIPPI HAS TO PAY $750,000 IN DAMAGES . . . FOR STEALING ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE:
Back in 1997, Sandra Valentine of Holly Springs, Mississippi (in the north, central part of the state), started working for a realtor named Jerry Fitch. Two years later, Sandra gave birth to a baby girl . . . who turned out to be JERRY'S kid, not her husband's.
Sandra and her husband, Johnny Valentine, got divorced and, during the process, she admitted she'd had an affair with Jerry. After the divorce was final, Sandra and Jerry got married. (None of their ages were reported, but Sandra looks to be in her 50s and Jerry is even older.)
WELL . . . turns out, Mississippi is one of seven states that still has an alienation of affection law. (--Along with Hawaii, Illinois, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah.)
Those are laws that are hundreds of years old that let you SUE a person for stealing away your spouse . . . giving you damages for, quote, "a loss of society, companionship, love, affection and sexual relations." So Johnny SUED Jerry under that law.
A court ruled in his favor . . . and awarded him $750,000. Jerry is a multi-millionaire from his real estate work; Johnny has WAY, WAY less money than that from his career as a plumber.
Jerry's been appealing that ruling against him for almost a DECADE . . . arguing that alienation of affection laws are unconstitutional, antiquated and, quote, "based on medieval notions about marriage and [wives being] property."
But now, finally . . . it's over. Yesterday, the U.S. Supreme Court decided NOT to hear Jerry's case, so the ruling stands . . . and he has to pay Johnny $750,000 for stealing his wife. (!!!) (MSNBC) (TCS)
(--Here's a picture of Sandra and Jerry . . .)
Back in 1997, Sandra Valentine of Holly Springs, Mississippi (in the north, central part of the state), started working for a realtor named Jerry Fitch. Two years later, Sandra gave birth to a baby girl . . . who turned out to be JERRY'S kid, not her husband's.
Sandra and her husband, Johnny Valentine, got divorced and, during the process, she admitted she'd had an affair with Jerry. After the divorce was final, Sandra and Jerry got married. (None of their ages were reported, but Sandra looks to be in her 50s and Jerry is even older.)
WELL . . . turns out, Mississippi is one of seven states that still has an alienation of affection law. (--Along with Hawaii, Illinois, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah.)
Those are laws that are hundreds of years old that let you SUE a person for stealing away your spouse . . . giving you damages for, quote, "a loss of society, companionship, love, affection and sexual relations." So Johnny SUED Jerry under that law.
A court ruled in his favor . . . and awarded him $750,000. Jerry is a multi-millionaire from his real estate work; Johnny has WAY, WAY less money than that from his career as a plumber.
Jerry's been appealing that ruling against him for almost a DECADE . . . arguing that alienation of affection laws are unconstitutional, antiquated and, quote, "based on medieval notions about marriage and [wives being] property."
But now, finally . . . it's over. Yesterday, the U.S. Supreme Court decided NOT to hear Jerry's case, so the ruling stands . . . and he has to pay Johnny $750,000 for stealing his wife. (!!!) (MSNBC) (TCS)
(--Here's a picture of Sandra and Jerry . . .)
Monday, December 17, 2007
WHAT IF SANTA WAS A RAPPER???
WHAT IF SANTA WAS A RAPPER???
(We're all accustomed to thinking of Santa as an old, fat, white guy. But I got a "Christmas Rap" as the song on my MySpace profile and it got me to thinkin'...what would happen if Santa had more of an urban flavor? Check out the . . .)
TOP THINGS YOU'D SEE IF SANTA WAS A RAPPER
He almost misses Christmas because he's out behind the workshop shooting dice with the elves.
All Christmas specials include at least one unplanned pregnancy.
Every time he says "Ho, ho, ho", three hoochies come up and start grinding against him.
Goodbye, festive red outfit . . . hello tracksuit.
Numerous arrests related to his beef with the Easter Bunny.
He's always late delivering gifts because his sleigh always gets pulled over by the cops.
Despite being 250 pounds overweight, he actually thinks he looks tough without his shirt on.
It takes him longer to deliver toys because he has to stop at a baby momma's house in every town.
He lies and says he's from the most dangerous neighborhood in the North Pole so white kids will think he's dangerous and buy his records.
Hours after he's delivered presents, his posse is still hanging out in your living room, trying to get with all the Santa groupies.
Excited kids can see him coming for miles, thanks to the moonlight reflecting off his sleigh's 20-inch rims.
When he flies over New Orleans, he won't stop shouting about how George W. Bush hates black people.
Half of the world's children he delivers to, are his own.
Yall feel free to add to the list......
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
(We're all accustomed to thinking of Santa as an old, fat, white guy. But I got a "Christmas Rap" as the song on my MySpace profile and it got me to thinkin'...what would happen if Santa had more of an urban flavor? Check out the . . .)
TOP THINGS YOU'D SEE IF SANTA WAS A RAPPER
He almost misses Christmas because he's out behind the workshop shooting dice with the elves.
All Christmas specials include at least one unplanned pregnancy.
Every time he says "Ho, ho, ho", three hoochies come up and start grinding against him.
Goodbye, festive red outfit . . . hello tracksuit.
Numerous arrests related to his beef with the Easter Bunny.
He's always late delivering gifts because his sleigh always gets pulled over by the cops.
Despite being 250 pounds overweight, he actually thinks he looks tough without his shirt on.
It takes him longer to deliver toys because he has to stop at a baby momma's house in every town.
He lies and says he's from the most dangerous neighborhood in the North Pole so white kids will think he's dangerous and buy his records.
Hours after he's delivered presents, his posse is still hanging out in your living room, trying to get with all the Santa groupies.
Excited kids can see him coming for miles, thanks to the moonlight reflecting off his sleigh's 20-inch rims.
When he flies over New Orleans, he won't stop shouting about how George W. Bush hates black people.
Half of the world's children he delivers to, are his own.
Yall feel free to add to the list......
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
A "REAL" COWBOY!!!???
A REAL COWBOY!!!???
Well, we did our little radio thing at Hooters the other night. I was there, tellin' the stories I tell, and doin' my thing as usual, and after the broadcast I sat at the bar to have a beer, and one of them Hooters girls asked me if I was a "Real" Cowboy. I said that I have spent most of my life in the "Country Culture", balin' hay, workin' horses, tendin' livestock, feedin' chickens, sloppin' hogs, takin' care of dogs and raisin' hell. So, yes. I think I am a "real" Cowboy.
I asked about her, and she said she's a lesbian. She said she wakes up in the and thinks about women. Drivin' down the road she thinks about women. Eatin' lunch she thinks about women. At work she thinks about women. When she takes a bath she thinks about women...All she does is think about women. She seems real comfortable in her skin about it, so I thought, good for her.
A few minutes later, a fella sits down on the other side of me at the bar and asked me if I was a "Real" Cowboy. I told him that I thought I was...... but now I'm thinkin' I'm a Lesbian.
Well, we did our little radio thing at Hooters the other night. I was there, tellin' the stories I tell, and doin' my thing as usual, and after the broadcast I sat at the bar to have a beer, and one of them Hooters girls asked me if I was a "Real" Cowboy. I said that I have spent most of my life in the "Country Culture", balin' hay, workin' horses, tendin' livestock, feedin' chickens, sloppin' hogs, takin' care of dogs and raisin' hell. So, yes. I think I am a "real" Cowboy.
I asked about her, and she said she's a lesbian. She said she wakes up in the and thinks about women. Drivin' down the road she thinks about women. Eatin' lunch she thinks about women. At work she thinks about women. When she takes a bath she thinks about women...All she does is think about women. She seems real comfortable in her skin about it, so I thought, good for her.
A few minutes later, a fella sits down on the other side of me at the bar and asked me if I was a "Real" Cowboy. I told him that I thought I was...... but now I'm thinkin' I'm a Lesbian.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
FOR VETERANS DAY...
Pvt. Henry Ward
We've heard the veterans of World War Two, described as the greatest generation. Well, just a few years ago my grandfather was recognized and honored by the State of Arkansas for his service to his country. This was the introduction from that night....
The 32nd Infantry division fought 654 days in New Guinea and the Southwest Pacific. More than any other division in WW II.
The 32nd was the first Division to fight against the Japanese in the South West Pacific.
11 Medals of Honor, 157 Distinguished Service Crosses, 845 Silver Stars, 98 Air Medals, and 11,500 Purple Hearts were awarded it's heroes.
It was a background of fever-ridden swamps and jungles. Soldiers lay, day after day in waterlogged foxholes, or crawled through murderous fire toward enemy positions.
New Guinea was the story of the courage of GIs who could always be counted upon to move forward. It was the ordinary soldiers who endured the worst deprivations that the jungle climate could offer. It was the lowly GI who was the brains, the muscle, the blood, the heart and soul of the great army that came of age in the southwest Pacific in 1943 and 1944.
Fight after fight, he never lost a battle. Those accomplishments and sacrifices are forever his and deserve to be remembered by ALL Americans.
But it was not without it's price - over 14,000 soldiers were killed.
Japanese snipers were killing off most of A Companies soldiers as they attempted to cross a river on a rope guide. That's when one soldier, convinced his platoon leader that he could go up river and lead his squad across by swimming against the currents, and utilize them to bouy across. He had learned these swimming skills as a young boy, swimming across Red River in Miller County Arkansas, and yes, he was successful in their crossing and they quickly defeated the Japanese snipers and took out all of the enemy machine-gun nests.
Many of these young Americans were killed trying to cross the river, but that young soldier from Miller County survived the horrors of WW II, and he is here tonight. He was sent to an Army Hospital in poor physical condition, and with total hearing loss in one ear. After several months of medical care, he ws shipped home, and he has worked for the last 60 years running a successful business, and providing for his family.
Ladies and gentleman it is my honor to introduce, a true American Hero from WW II...
Pvt. Henry Ward.
My Grandfather is gone now, and I miss him. I never actually just said, "Thank You" to him for his service to our country. I wish I had. I want to say Thank You to all of our American veterans. Thank you for what you did, for what you are doing now, and what you would surely do again if asked. Thank You.
We've heard the veterans of World War Two, described as the greatest generation. Well, just a few years ago my grandfather was recognized and honored by the State of Arkansas for his service to his country. This was the introduction from that night....
The 32nd Infantry division fought 654 days in New Guinea and the Southwest Pacific. More than any other division in WW II.
The 32nd was the first Division to fight against the Japanese in the South West Pacific.
11 Medals of Honor, 157 Distinguished Service Crosses, 845 Silver Stars, 98 Air Medals, and 11,500 Purple Hearts were awarded it's heroes.
It was a background of fever-ridden swamps and jungles. Soldiers lay, day after day in waterlogged foxholes, or crawled through murderous fire toward enemy positions.
New Guinea was the story of the courage of GIs who could always be counted upon to move forward. It was the ordinary soldiers who endured the worst deprivations that the jungle climate could offer. It was the lowly GI who was the brains, the muscle, the blood, the heart and soul of the great army that came of age in the southwest Pacific in 1943 and 1944.
Fight after fight, he never lost a battle. Those accomplishments and sacrifices are forever his and deserve to be remembered by ALL Americans.
But it was not without it's price - over 14,000 soldiers were killed.
Japanese snipers were killing off most of A Companies soldiers as they attempted to cross a river on a rope guide. That's when one soldier, convinced his platoon leader that he could go up river and lead his squad across by swimming against the currents, and utilize them to bouy across. He had learned these swimming skills as a young boy, swimming across Red River in Miller County Arkansas, and yes, he was successful in their crossing and they quickly defeated the Japanese snipers and took out all of the enemy machine-gun nests.
Many of these young Americans were killed trying to cross the river, but that young soldier from Miller County survived the horrors of WW II, and he is here tonight. He was sent to an Army Hospital in poor physical condition, and with total hearing loss in one ear. After several months of medical care, he ws shipped home, and he has worked for the last 60 years running a successful business, and providing for his family.
Ladies and gentleman it is my honor to introduce, a true American Hero from WW II...
Pvt. Henry Ward.
My Grandfather is gone now, and I miss him. I never actually just said, "Thank You" to him for his service to our country. I wish I had. I want to say Thank You to all of our American veterans. Thank you for what you did, for what you are doing now, and what you would surely do again if asked. Thank You.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
ADVENTURES IN ANTIGUA
Well, I was invited to do my radio...show...thing, at another Sandals resort in the Caribbean. This time the crew, Lisa, John, Wes, Laura, Cindy and I went to the awesome, Sandals Grand Antigua Resort & Spa. WOW!!! This place was amazing. We stayed in the new 70 million dollar, all-suite, Mediterranean Village. We are talking pure luxury from top to bottom. Before I tell you about the resort, I want to start at the beginning…
I started out by being late to our local airport, and almost wasn't allowed to board the plane. Apparently if you are a couple of minutes late, it's YOUR fault that American Airlines overbooked the flight by 16 tickets. I could probably understand over booking a flight by one, maybe even two seats, but 16??? Fortunately, there was a lot of folks later than me, so they let me fly. It was a pretty bumpy flight to Dallas. You would be surprised at how much one of those air-sickness bags can hold, just ask Lisa.
We got to DFW and decided to get a bite to eat before flying out to San Juan, mainly just to mess with Lisa, who was still a little ill from the flight. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been teasing Lisa so much. You know, Karma and all? I was eating one of those pig in a blanket type pretzel things, and broke a tooth in half. Broke it in half, and my crew seemed to make it a point to tell everybody it was a soft pretzel....why didn't they just say look at that old bastard right there. DAMN!!! Weird thing is, that I had just gone to the dentist the week before the trip, to fix a filling in that tooth, because I didn't want to take a chance on having a problem on my trip. It didn't hurt as much as it worried me about being on a tiny island for a week with a broke tooth, and the thought of Cindy getting felt up by security in San Jaun again, seemed to keep my mind off of it.
We touched down in San Juan sideways. That's right. The plane was a little sideways when it hit the ground. It was pretty freaky but everybody was cool about it and didn't say a word, until I did. We had to go outside of the airport and gun a quick smoke before heading out to Antigua. On past trips, Cindy seems to always get rubbed down and felt up by security in Puerto Rico, but not this time. This time it was Lisa's husband John. Now John is hilarious. He has a great sense of humor. Airport Security does not!!! John finally makes it thru, and we barely get back inside in time to catch our flight to Antigua.
We landed in Antigua while it was still daylight, and gathered all our luggage and headed for customs. You heard on the show, that John got into a fight with a midget. Here's how it happened. We were in line, moving toward customs to get into the country of Antigua, and this midget starts shoving his way through the line. He muscles up to us and tries to move around us. Nobody wants to be rude to a midget, I'm sorry he wasn't a midget, he was a dwarf. There is a difference. Anyway, I say "Hello little fella, ain't you cute." This guy just glares at me. John asks him, "Do you have a problem?" The little guy says, "I ain't happy." Then John says, "Well which one are ya???" That's all it took. It was on...like a little bitty chicken bone. He had these little tiny fists of fury, but John just put his hand on the dude's head and the wee fella was swinging at the air. Having witnessed all of this, Antiguan Customs officers took the little guy away, and placed him at the back of the line. We slip on thru customs, and WE ARE IN ANTIGUA.
We catch a van to the resort. Our driver was a really friendly guy by the name of Dudley, he drove us around and showed us some really cool stuff, and taught us a lot about the island on our way to The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa.
This resort is unbelievable. It is absolutely amazing. They put us in the All-New, All-Suite Mediterranean Village with rooms fit for royalty. Marble floors, fully stocked bars, giant king-sized four post beds, Jacuzzi tubs with separate glass and brass showers, and every suite has an ocean view with a cool balcony to hang out on. I mean, luxury to the hilt. John and Lisa just moved into their room. Un-packed their clothes and filled the drawers, and was set to stay...FOREVER.
It's pretty much become tradition that our first day at a new Sandals, we spend it on the beach. So, that's what we did. We sat on the beach and drank rum punch, and Wadadli Beer. That is all of us but Laura. She wasn't drinkin'??? Ms. Cindy and I played in the water, sat on the beach and did nothing, and it took ALL day to do it.
Before we knew it, it was time to get ready for the Cocktail party the Vanessa's were puttin' on for us. It was around this time that I mentioned my tooth breakin' on a pretzel on our way down to the island. My friends made sure everybody knew it was on a SOFT pretzel… the swine. The folks at Sandals said they know a great dentist, and would take care of it first thing in the morning...WOW!!!
Well, we go on out to eat at Eleanor's. Awesome Caribbean Cuisine...( I'm not sure how to spell Cuisine, but you couldn't just call it food. It was better than that.) Our waitress, I can't recall her name. Remembering names and Rum don't mix well. That's why all of the pirates have nicknames... Blackbeard, Redbeard, Hook, etc... Our waitress suggested I order the Shrimp Balls...??? I didn't even know shrimp had balls. I ain't never seen a shrimp's balls. I've had Bull Nuts and Mountain oysters, so what the hell. Bring'em on, but you better bring a couple hundred of'em cause I'm hungry. I have to tell you, Shrimp Balls are delicious, and a lot bigger than you would think.
All of the nine restaurants on the property are fantastic. All of them 5 Star Diamond rated. Amazing service, and the presentation of the food, the way they decorated the plates and all, was so cool. We partied on into the night, having a great time laughing our asses off. We were all drinkin' and smokin' big cigars... everybody but Laura???
So, the next morning we strolled down to the Bayside for breakfast. Real good omelet's made to order, the sweetest fruits, and the best Jamaican coffee, and this is when I'm told that I have a dentist appointment at 10AM. It's 9:30 and I start to thinkin' that this is a really small Island. Uh-Oh!!! What have I gotten myself into? We took off in a van across this island past these little tiny shops and what not, and I start to imagine pulling up to some hut in the rainforest, and a witch doctor jumpin' out, blowin' ashes in my face to knock me out and snatching the tooth out of my head. But we rolled into a nice little office outside of St. John, and I met Dr. Sengupta, who just happens to work on one Eric Clapton, when he's at his home in Antigua. All in all it worked out pretty good. He fixed me up, charged half of what it would cost in the states, and had me on my way by 11.
Cindy and I got back to the resort and met up with everyone else in our little group. I made up some story about a witch doctor whittlin' a tooth out of a coconut, and had everybody goin' pretty good until Dr. Sengupta showed up. He was not amused.... Sorry Dr. Sengupta.
We went down and checked out the broadcast tower above the main pool, and participated on some of the international broadcasts that were going on, they all loved my accent, but I can't hear it. Yall, You all...it sounds about the same to me. We met the tech folks and made sure all of the equipment was ready for the next day. Then, to the beach.
This beach at The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa, has been voted the best on the island. Antigua, is an island with 365 beaches. There is literally, a beach for everyday of the year, and the one at Sandals on Dickenson Bay is the best of them all. We really couldn't get enough of it.
The next day we did our broadcast and had a lot of fun with all of the guests the the Vanessas lined up for us. I told them you were listening. So, if anybody asks, you heard it!!! The Vanessas are Vanessa LeRouge with Sandals, and Vanessa Goodis with Clear Results Marketing. They lined up a tour for us to Stingray City for Friday morning. One killed the croc hunter... so think on that a couple of days. We recorded some stuff for Sandals, and finished up the show for Wednesday and got all dressed up for dinner at Mario's, the Italian Restaurant. Again, I just don't know the words to describe how good the food was, but I took pictures and posted them on the websites.
The next morning, we hooked up with the guy that took me to the dentist, Roger. He drove us all over the island to see the sights. If you can get to Antigua, find Roger Roberts' Taxi Service. He taught us so much about the history of the island, and the culture. It was fascinating. He took us to "Betty's Hope" and old sugar plantation that still has a working windmill. We stopped for beer at on of the local shops in a small fishing village. Laura had Ice cream??? Then we went to the south end of the island to the Atlantic coast. We went to the Devil's Bridge. That's where the Atlantic has crashed into the limestone coastline, and has formed a natural bridge. Legend has it, if you stand on the bridge and toss two eggs into the water, the devil will cook them and spit one back up to you. I crossed the bridge as a storm was coming onto the island. To hell with the devil, it's my bridge now. That's one of the coolest, and dumbest things I've ever done. Check out the pics on the web pages, www.myspace.com/thejce , or at http://www.kygl.com/.
Then we headed north thru the capitol city of St. John, and back to the resort to "work".
That night a terrible storm blew in and dumped more rain in 3 hours, than the island had received in the last 3 months. This caused a few problems at the brand new Mediterranean village. There were a couple of drainage issues, and a few minor things that I didn't think they could possibly have been prepared for. But, they were. You should have seen these people jump into action with hoses and pumps. I saw the General Manager, Jim Allmond, workin' a shovel. I knew from our interview, that he would do anything to keep his guests comfortable and happy, but I want to tell you he was WORKING that night. We went over and volunteered to help and he wouldn't hear of it. That night in the rain, lightning, and thunder, we dined at "Barefoot by the Sea", with amazing seafood, and white glove service. It was almost perfect. We were like like kids, playin' in the rain, and havin' a ball.
The next morning, bright and early, we took off for Stingray City. We get to this small building by the water with a couple of boats, and they go over some safety tips for swimming with the stingrays. YES, those kind of stingrays. Probably the most important tips our guide John Wade gave us, was to not get stuck in the heart with the barb that's on their tails, and don't breathe the water. We get into a boat, and head out to sea. After about ten minutes, we get to this big netted area out in the middle of nowhere, and sure enough the netted area is on the shallow part of a reef and it's full of Stingrays, Turtles, Lobsters, Fish and other sea critters. We put on our Snorkel & masks, and John, Wes, and I jump in. This is now the coolest thing I've ever done. Cindy wasn't feeling well, and she had a little bit of a fever...probably from playin' in the rain the night before. So, she wasn't getting into the water. Laura just said No Way??? Lisa was a little terrified, but she got in and even held them. You have got to see the pics of this, it was wild.
We got back the The Sandals Grand Antigua, and finished up our last day of broadcasting. We went on some of the other radio shows and told our stories about fightin' midgets, witch-doctor dentists, and shrimp balls. Cindy went to the Red Lane Spa to be pampered. She was going to meet us at the broadcast tower but never showed up. She was so relaxed from the spa, that she fell asleep getting ready for dinner. After the show I took off to find Cindy. She had crashed back at the room.
Then we all got dressed up again for our last dinner on the island at the OK Corral, in the Caribbean Grove of the resort. We had Akheem, from the restaurant, on our show. He said he could grill the best steak I would ever have. I can honestly say it WAS in my top 5, but the Grilled Swordfish was the best I've ever tasted. Akheem is a good kid, when he was on the radio he talked about how much he loved his mama and it was really good getting to meet him. After dinner, Sandals brought in the Antiguan National Dance Company to perform, it wore me out just watchin'. The costumes were wild and all the pretty girls were amazing dancers. I didn't think I would enjoy the show, seeing that there wasn't a stripper pole in the place, but it was really good, and we had a blast.
We strolled back to the Mediterranean Village, smoking cigars, and sipping cocktails took a few more pictures, then we all went to our suites to pack, we had to be on a plane the next morning at 8AM.
If you want a vacation that you will never forget, go to The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa, on the beautiful Caribbean island of Antigua. You will not be disappointed!!!
And CONGRATULATIONS to our good friends Wes and Laura…
The baby is due in July!!!
I started out by being late to our local airport, and almost wasn't allowed to board the plane. Apparently if you are a couple of minutes late, it's YOUR fault that American Airlines overbooked the flight by 16 tickets. I could probably understand over booking a flight by one, maybe even two seats, but 16??? Fortunately, there was a lot of folks later than me, so they let me fly. It was a pretty bumpy flight to Dallas. You would be surprised at how much one of those air-sickness bags can hold, just ask Lisa.
We got to DFW and decided to get a bite to eat before flying out to San Juan, mainly just to mess with Lisa, who was still a little ill from the flight. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been teasing Lisa so much. You know, Karma and all? I was eating one of those pig in a blanket type pretzel things, and broke a tooth in half. Broke it in half, and my crew seemed to make it a point to tell everybody it was a soft pretzel....why didn't they just say look at that old bastard right there. DAMN!!! Weird thing is, that I had just gone to the dentist the week before the trip, to fix a filling in that tooth, because I didn't want to take a chance on having a problem on my trip. It didn't hurt as much as it worried me about being on a tiny island for a week with a broke tooth, and the thought of Cindy getting felt up by security in San Jaun again, seemed to keep my mind off of it.
We touched down in San Juan sideways. That's right. The plane was a little sideways when it hit the ground. It was pretty freaky but everybody was cool about it and didn't say a word, until I did. We had to go outside of the airport and gun a quick smoke before heading out to Antigua. On past trips, Cindy seems to always get rubbed down and felt up by security in Puerto Rico, but not this time. This time it was Lisa's husband John. Now John is hilarious. He has a great sense of humor. Airport Security does not!!! John finally makes it thru, and we barely get back inside in time to catch our flight to Antigua.
We landed in Antigua while it was still daylight, and gathered all our luggage and headed for customs. You heard on the show, that John got into a fight with a midget. Here's how it happened. We were in line, moving toward customs to get into the country of Antigua, and this midget starts shoving his way through the line. He muscles up to us and tries to move around us. Nobody wants to be rude to a midget, I'm sorry he wasn't a midget, he was a dwarf. There is a difference. Anyway, I say "Hello little fella, ain't you cute." This guy just glares at me. John asks him, "Do you have a problem?" The little guy says, "I ain't happy." Then John says, "Well which one are ya???" That's all it took. It was on...like a little bitty chicken bone. He had these little tiny fists of fury, but John just put his hand on the dude's head and the wee fella was swinging at the air. Having witnessed all of this, Antiguan Customs officers took the little guy away, and placed him at the back of the line. We slip on thru customs, and WE ARE IN ANTIGUA.
We catch a van to the resort. Our driver was a really friendly guy by the name of Dudley, he drove us around and showed us some really cool stuff, and taught us a lot about the island on our way to The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa.
This resort is unbelievable. It is absolutely amazing. They put us in the All-New, All-Suite Mediterranean Village with rooms fit for royalty. Marble floors, fully stocked bars, giant king-sized four post beds, Jacuzzi tubs with separate glass and brass showers, and every suite has an ocean view with a cool balcony to hang out on. I mean, luxury to the hilt. John and Lisa just moved into their room. Un-packed their clothes and filled the drawers, and was set to stay...FOREVER.
It's pretty much become tradition that our first day at a new Sandals, we spend it on the beach. So, that's what we did. We sat on the beach and drank rum punch, and Wadadli Beer. That is all of us but Laura. She wasn't drinkin'??? Ms. Cindy and I played in the water, sat on the beach and did nothing, and it took ALL day to do it.
Before we knew it, it was time to get ready for the Cocktail party the Vanessa's were puttin' on for us. It was around this time that I mentioned my tooth breakin' on a pretzel on our way down to the island. My friends made sure everybody knew it was on a SOFT pretzel… the swine. The folks at Sandals said they know a great dentist, and would take care of it first thing in the morning...WOW!!!
Well, we go on out to eat at Eleanor's. Awesome Caribbean Cuisine...( I'm not sure how to spell Cuisine, but you couldn't just call it food. It was better than that.) Our waitress, I can't recall her name. Remembering names and Rum don't mix well. That's why all of the pirates have nicknames... Blackbeard, Redbeard, Hook, etc... Our waitress suggested I order the Shrimp Balls...??? I didn't even know shrimp had balls. I ain't never seen a shrimp's balls. I've had Bull Nuts and Mountain oysters, so what the hell. Bring'em on, but you better bring a couple hundred of'em cause I'm hungry. I have to tell you, Shrimp Balls are delicious, and a lot bigger than you would think.
All of the nine restaurants on the property are fantastic. All of them 5 Star Diamond rated. Amazing service, and the presentation of the food, the way they decorated the plates and all, was so cool. We partied on into the night, having a great time laughing our asses off. We were all drinkin' and smokin' big cigars... everybody but Laura???
So, the next morning we strolled down to the Bayside for breakfast. Real good omelet's made to order, the sweetest fruits, and the best Jamaican coffee, and this is when I'm told that I have a dentist appointment at 10AM. It's 9:30 and I start to thinkin' that this is a really small Island. Uh-Oh!!! What have I gotten myself into? We took off in a van across this island past these little tiny shops and what not, and I start to imagine pulling up to some hut in the rainforest, and a witch doctor jumpin' out, blowin' ashes in my face to knock me out and snatching the tooth out of my head. But we rolled into a nice little office outside of St. John, and I met Dr. Sengupta, who just happens to work on one Eric Clapton, when he's at his home in Antigua. All in all it worked out pretty good. He fixed me up, charged half of what it would cost in the states, and had me on my way by 11.
Cindy and I got back to the resort and met up with everyone else in our little group. I made up some story about a witch doctor whittlin' a tooth out of a coconut, and had everybody goin' pretty good until Dr. Sengupta showed up. He was not amused.... Sorry Dr. Sengupta.
We went down and checked out the broadcast tower above the main pool, and participated on some of the international broadcasts that were going on, they all loved my accent, but I can't hear it. Yall, You all...it sounds about the same to me. We met the tech folks and made sure all of the equipment was ready for the next day. Then, to the beach.
This beach at The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa, has been voted the best on the island. Antigua, is an island with 365 beaches. There is literally, a beach for everyday of the year, and the one at Sandals on Dickenson Bay is the best of them all. We really couldn't get enough of it.
The next day we did our broadcast and had a lot of fun with all of the guests the the Vanessas lined up for us. I told them you were listening. So, if anybody asks, you heard it!!! The Vanessas are Vanessa LeRouge with Sandals, and Vanessa Goodis with Clear Results Marketing. They lined up a tour for us to Stingray City for Friday morning. One killed the croc hunter... so think on that a couple of days. We recorded some stuff for Sandals, and finished up the show for Wednesday and got all dressed up for dinner at Mario's, the Italian Restaurant. Again, I just don't know the words to describe how good the food was, but I took pictures and posted them on the websites.
The next morning, we hooked up with the guy that took me to the dentist, Roger. He drove us all over the island to see the sights. If you can get to Antigua, find Roger Roberts' Taxi Service. He taught us so much about the history of the island, and the culture. It was fascinating. He took us to "Betty's Hope" and old sugar plantation that still has a working windmill. We stopped for beer at on of the local shops in a small fishing village. Laura had Ice cream??? Then we went to the south end of the island to the Atlantic coast. We went to the Devil's Bridge. That's where the Atlantic has crashed into the limestone coastline, and has formed a natural bridge. Legend has it, if you stand on the bridge and toss two eggs into the water, the devil will cook them and spit one back up to you. I crossed the bridge as a storm was coming onto the island. To hell with the devil, it's my bridge now. That's one of the coolest, and dumbest things I've ever done. Check out the pics on the web pages, www.myspace.com/thejce , or at http://www.kygl.com/.
Then we headed north thru the capitol city of St. John, and back to the resort to "work".
That night a terrible storm blew in and dumped more rain in 3 hours, than the island had received in the last 3 months. This caused a few problems at the brand new Mediterranean village. There were a couple of drainage issues, and a few minor things that I didn't think they could possibly have been prepared for. But, they were. You should have seen these people jump into action with hoses and pumps. I saw the General Manager, Jim Allmond, workin' a shovel. I knew from our interview, that he would do anything to keep his guests comfortable and happy, but I want to tell you he was WORKING that night. We went over and volunteered to help and he wouldn't hear of it. That night in the rain, lightning, and thunder, we dined at "Barefoot by the Sea", with amazing seafood, and white glove service. It was almost perfect. We were like like kids, playin' in the rain, and havin' a ball.
The next morning, bright and early, we took off for Stingray City. We get to this small building by the water with a couple of boats, and they go over some safety tips for swimming with the stingrays. YES, those kind of stingrays. Probably the most important tips our guide John Wade gave us, was to not get stuck in the heart with the barb that's on their tails, and don't breathe the water. We get into a boat, and head out to sea. After about ten minutes, we get to this big netted area out in the middle of nowhere, and sure enough the netted area is on the shallow part of a reef and it's full of Stingrays, Turtles, Lobsters, Fish and other sea critters. We put on our Snorkel & masks, and John, Wes, and I jump in. This is now the coolest thing I've ever done. Cindy wasn't feeling well, and she had a little bit of a fever...probably from playin' in the rain the night before. So, she wasn't getting into the water. Laura just said No Way??? Lisa was a little terrified, but she got in and even held them. You have got to see the pics of this, it was wild.
We got back the The Sandals Grand Antigua, and finished up our last day of broadcasting. We went on some of the other radio shows and told our stories about fightin' midgets, witch-doctor dentists, and shrimp balls. Cindy went to the Red Lane Spa to be pampered. She was going to meet us at the broadcast tower but never showed up. She was so relaxed from the spa, that she fell asleep getting ready for dinner. After the show I took off to find Cindy. She had crashed back at the room.
Then we all got dressed up again for our last dinner on the island at the OK Corral, in the Caribbean Grove of the resort. We had Akheem, from the restaurant, on our show. He said he could grill the best steak I would ever have. I can honestly say it WAS in my top 5, but the Grilled Swordfish was the best I've ever tasted. Akheem is a good kid, when he was on the radio he talked about how much he loved his mama and it was really good getting to meet him. After dinner, Sandals brought in the Antiguan National Dance Company to perform, it wore me out just watchin'. The costumes were wild and all the pretty girls were amazing dancers. I didn't think I would enjoy the show, seeing that there wasn't a stripper pole in the place, but it was really good, and we had a blast.
We strolled back to the Mediterranean Village, smoking cigars, and sipping cocktails took a few more pictures, then we all went to our suites to pack, we had to be on a plane the next morning at 8AM.
If you want a vacation that you will never forget, go to The Sandals Grande Antigua Resort & Spa, on the beautiful Caribbean island of Antigua. You will not be disappointed!!!
And CONGRATULATIONS to our good friends Wes and Laura…
The baby is due in July!!!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
THE LATEST NEWS...
Well, I was checking out some of the latest news on the World Wide Web of misinformation, and a few things just jumped out at me....
Researchers have found that plants actually talk to each other to spread information. So you are not just imagining that little voice coming from your plant saying "smoke me, smoke me"?
"Esquire" magazine has named Charlize Theron the "Sexiest Woman Alive". In other words, "Esquire" magazine still doesn't know that everyone who reads it is gay.
Chrysler autoworkers walked off the job because the automaker has failed to provide a new contract. And also medical proof that assembling PT Cruisers doesn't make them gay. (???)
Beer companies Coors and Miller have announced they are merging. Coors Light and Miller Lite coming together? Finally, a reason for Hollister-wearing frat boys and short, cowboy Mexicans to put aside their differences.
Groups are making a push to have the drinking age lowered to 18. . . . Because if you're old enough to fight and die for your country, then you're old enough to wake up next to a chubby girl you don't know.
German researchers claim that chimpanzees make more rational choices than human beings . For instance. . . chimps don't marry.
The Rubik's Cube World Championships took place in Budapest last weekend. And before you start making fun of these virginal dorks and their puzzle games, keep in mind that you're the one that has NO idea where Budapest is.
Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon married last weekend on the Las Vegas Strip. . .
. . . Salomon is best known for making a sex-tape with Paris Hilton and was previously married to actress Shannen Doherty. Anderson is best known for making a sex-tape with Tommy Lee and was previously married to singer Kid Rock.
. . . The couple is registered at the Centers for Disease Control.
Researchers have found that plants actually talk to each other to spread information. So you are not just imagining that little voice coming from your plant saying "smoke me, smoke me"?
"Esquire" magazine has named Charlize Theron the "Sexiest Woman Alive". In other words, "Esquire" magazine still doesn't know that everyone who reads it is gay.
Chrysler autoworkers walked off the job because the automaker has failed to provide a new contract. And also medical proof that assembling PT Cruisers doesn't make them gay. (???)
Beer companies Coors and Miller have announced they are merging. Coors Light and Miller Lite coming together? Finally, a reason for Hollister-wearing frat boys and short, cowboy Mexicans to put aside their differences.
Groups are making a push to have the drinking age lowered to 18. . . . Because if you're old enough to fight and die for your country, then you're old enough to wake up next to a chubby girl you don't know.
German researchers claim that chimpanzees make more rational choices than human beings . For instance. . . chimps don't marry.
The Rubik's Cube World Championships took place in Budapest last weekend. And before you start making fun of these virginal dorks and their puzzle games, keep in mind that you're the one that has NO idea where Budapest is.
Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon married last weekend on the Las Vegas Strip. . .
. . . Salomon is best known for making a sex-tape with Paris Hilton and was previously married to actress Shannen Doherty. Anderson is best known for making a sex-tape with Tommy Lee and was previously married to singer Kid Rock.
. . . The couple is registered at the Centers for Disease Control.
Friday, October 5, 2007
MONKEYS AND MEN!!!
AN ORANGUTAN IN THE NETHERLANDS WON'T MATE. . . BECAUSE HE'S ONLY INTERESTED IN BLONDE, TATTOOED HUMANS!!!
THIS is single-handedly better proof that humans and monkeys are evolutionarily linked than ANYTHING CHARLES DARWIN ever wrote.
Sibu is an orangutan at the Apenheul Primate Park in the Netherlands. And his handlers really wanted him to become the breeding male for the park. Except there's a problem.
Sibu isn't interested at ALL in female orangutans.
All he wants are HUMAN females. . . who have BLONDE hair. . . and TATTOOS!!! (--TELL me that you and Sibu aren't related somewhere on a family tree. Come on!!!)
A spokeswoman for the park says, quote, "Orangutans have special interests in special subjects. Sibu happens to like blonde women, and tattoos."
(Reuters U.K.)
(Now I ain't no scientist but, I think Sibu just biologically KNOWS what all HUMAN males biologically know: There's NOTHING like a tattooed blonde woman to GUARANTEE you the most memorable night of your life. I KNOW this orangutan, Hell, I AM this orangutan.)
THIS is single-handedly better proof that humans and monkeys are evolutionarily linked than ANYTHING CHARLES DARWIN ever wrote.
Sibu is an orangutan at the Apenheul Primate Park in the Netherlands. And his handlers really wanted him to become the breeding male for the park. Except there's a problem.
Sibu isn't interested at ALL in female orangutans.
All he wants are HUMAN females. . . who have BLONDE hair. . . and TATTOOS!!! (--TELL me that you and Sibu aren't related somewhere on a family tree. Come on!!!)
A spokeswoman for the park says, quote, "Orangutans have special interests in special subjects. Sibu happens to like blonde women, and tattoos."
(Reuters U.K.)
(Now I ain't no scientist but, I think Sibu just biologically KNOWS what all HUMAN males biologically know: There's NOTHING like a tattooed blonde woman to GUARANTEE you the most memorable night of your life. I KNOW this orangutan, Hell, I AM this orangutan.)
Hard Learned Lessons.
Some things you just have to learn on your own...Why???
When I was younger, I mowed lawns for my money. I had an old pushmower that could only be shut off by un-hooking the spark plug. My dad told me, with a grin, that I could shut off the motor by pissin' on it. I thought that was just the dumbest thing I had ever heard.
Sure enough, about a week later I was just finishing cuttin' Mrs. Fosters yard, and was out of sight behind a storage shed. I had to pee awful bad, and I thought "I'll give it shot." Let me save you a lot of pain and discomfort by just telling you.... DON'T PEE ON THE SPARK PLUG OF A RUNNING LAWN MOWER!!! Of course back then I didn't think to spread my hard earned wisdom. Instead, I told my little brother he could shut off the lawn mower engine by peeing on the spark plug....
Now that I'm older, and a little more mellowed with age, I think I'm just going to share my hard learned lessons with folks, when I think they need it. You know? Use my knowledge for good, and the betterment of mankind.
Here's a couple things...
If you see someone passed out drunk, roll'em over on their belly, that way they don't choke on their own vomit. Again, DON'T pee on sparkplugs, or electric fences. THAT'S IMPORTANT. Don't pick at it or it will never heal, my mama always told me that. Tanning beds are HOTTER than the sun. Never, and I mean never ever, shave your nether regions.
I hope some of this helps, and I hope some of you will decide to share your wisdom too. Although, to be fair, when my litttle brother pissed on that lawn mower...
I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!!
When I was younger, I mowed lawns for my money. I had an old pushmower that could only be shut off by un-hooking the spark plug. My dad told me, with a grin, that I could shut off the motor by pissin' on it. I thought that was just the dumbest thing I had ever heard.
Sure enough, about a week later I was just finishing cuttin' Mrs. Fosters yard, and was out of sight behind a storage shed. I had to pee awful bad, and I thought "I'll give it shot." Let me save you a lot of pain and discomfort by just telling you.... DON'T PEE ON THE SPARK PLUG OF A RUNNING LAWN MOWER!!! Of course back then I didn't think to spread my hard earned wisdom. Instead, I told my little brother he could shut off the lawn mower engine by peeing on the spark plug....
Now that I'm older, and a little more mellowed with age, I think I'm just going to share my hard learned lessons with folks, when I think they need it. You know? Use my knowledge for good, and the betterment of mankind.
Here's a couple things...
If you see someone passed out drunk, roll'em over on their belly, that way they don't choke on their own vomit. Again, DON'T pee on sparkplugs, or electric fences. THAT'S IMPORTANT. Don't pick at it or it will never heal, my mama always told me that. Tanning beds are HOTTER than the sun. Never, and I mean never ever, shave your nether regions.
I hope some of this helps, and I hope some of you will decide to share your wisdom too. Although, to be fair, when my litttle brother pissed on that lawn mower...
I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
THIS YEAR'S NEIMAN MARCUS CHRISTMAS CATALOG INCLUDES A PRIVATE SUBMARINE AND CONVERSATIONAL ROBOT:
Yesterday, Neiman Marcus released its annual Christmas catalog. . . and, like always, they included a section of totally RIDICULOUS and completely unaffordable gifts for the ultra-ultra wealthy. Here are the highlights:
DRAGON TOPIARY. Want a 100-foot long dragon made completely out of plants and trees on your lawn??? You can get it, complete with gold-leafed horns, claws and teeth, starting at $35,000.
HIS AND HERS PORTRAIT IN CHOCOLATE. A Brazilian artist will paint a five foot-by-four foot picture of you and your husband or wife. . . made entirely out of CHOCOLATE SYRUP. Only $110,000.
PRIVATE ORCHESTRA. Get the world-famous Kirov Orchestra to come to your party. They'll play a private concert for you and 499 friends. And. . . the party will be hosted by REGIS PHILBIN!!! (???) Just $1.59 MILLION.
PRIVATE SUBMARINE. All of the world's richest people are buying private submarines now. You should get in on that. This sub dives to 1,000 feet, is controlled by a joystick, and seats two. . . in leather seats. Only $1.44 MILLION.
TALKING ROBOT. It looks like a male fortune teller's head in a crystal ball. But it's controlled by artificial intelligence software and 30 robotic micro-motors. . . so it can carry on full, lifelike conversations and build relationships with people. (???) Just $75,000.
305-CARAT DIAMOND NECKLACE. This is one of the largest diamonds ever. It's not polished, cut or altered. . . so it sparkles gold, green and amber. The price starts at $1 MILLION, depending on how much gold you want for the rest of the necklace.
JEWEL-ENCRUSTED CELL PHONE. It's a Vertu Signature phone that works in more than 150 countries. . . and is covered in 7.2 carats of diamonds. It's set in rose gold, and only 100 exist in the entire world. You can get it for $73,000.
(Neiman Marcus)
(You can see the catalog here. Click "See the 2007 Fantasy Gifts" to check out all of the ones we talked about, plus a few others. . .)
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/catalog/templates/F0.jhtml?itemId=cat14640731&parentId=&masterId=&icid=home1
(Neiman Marcus released its annual Christmas catalog.... So what. I put it up here for you to see, but believe me, it's NOT a big deal in my family. Wake me up when Walgreens comes out with their holiday coupons.)
DRAGON TOPIARY. Want a 100-foot long dragon made completely out of plants and trees on your lawn??? You can get it, complete with gold-leafed horns, claws and teeth, starting at $35,000.
HIS AND HERS PORTRAIT IN CHOCOLATE. A Brazilian artist will paint a five foot-by-four foot picture of you and your husband or wife. . . made entirely out of CHOCOLATE SYRUP. Only $110,000.
PRIVATE ORCHESTRA. Get the world-famous Kirov Orchestra to come to your party. They'll play a private concert for you and 499 friends. And. . . the party will be hosted by REGIS PHILBIN!!! (???) Just $1.59 MILLION.
PRIVATE SUBMARINE. All of the world's richest people are buying private submarines now. You should get in on that. This sub dives to 1,000 feet, is controlled by a joystick, and seats two. . . in leather seats. Only $1.44 MILLION.
TALKING ROBOT. It looks like a male fortune teller's head in a crystal ball. But it's controlled by artificial intelligence software and 30 robotic micro-motors. . . so it can carry on full, lifelike conversations and build relationships with people. (???) Just $75,000.
305-CARAT DIAMOND NECKLACE. This is one of the largest diamonds ever. It's not polished, cut or altered. . . so it sparkles gold, green and amber. The price starts at $1 MILLION, depending on how much gold you want for the rest of the necklace.
JEWEL-ENCRUSTED CELL PHONE. It's a Vertu Signature phone that works in more than 150 countries. . . and is covered in 7.2 carats of diamonds. It's set in rose gold, and only 100 exist in the entire world. You can get it for $73,000.
(Neiman Marcus)
(You can see the catalog here. Click "See the 2007 Fantasy Gifts" to check out all of the ones we talked about, plus a few others. . .)
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/catalog/templates/F0.jhtml?itemId=cat14640731&parentId=&masterId=&icid=home1
(Neiman Marcus released its annual Christmas catalog.... So what. I put it up here for you to see, but believe me, it's NOT a big deal in my family. Wake me up when Walgreens comes out with their holiday coupons.)
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
CRACK-WHORE MOM OF THE YEAR!!!
WORST MOTHER OF THE YEAR??? DOING COCAINE OFF OF HER SON WHILE HE BREASTFEEDS MIGHT CLINCH IT:
You know I've told a lot of stories about that Crack-whore I was once married to, and in this line of work, we see tons of stories about unimaginably awful parenting. It's sickening. So, for us to be willing to say someone is THE worst mother of the year takes A LOT. But 37-year-old Wendy Knowlton Cook of Saratoga Springs, New York, may've just taken the title.
1.) Cook is a PROSTITUTE. And she would take her five-year-old daughter and eight-week-old son with her when she was "working".
2.) According to vice detectives, early Monday, Cook "performed on" at least two men in the front seat of her car. . . while the kids were AWAKE in the backseat.
3.) For the rest of the night, Cook was SMOKING CRACK right in front of the kids.
4.) And the worst move of all: WHILE she was breastfeeding her eight-week-old. . . she snorted a line of cocaine OFF OF HIS STOMACH. (--And THAT just crosses the line so far the line doesn't even exist anymore.)
Fortunately, one of the men she solicited on Monday was an undercover cop, who busted her. . . and got her kids AWAY from her. They're with family members now.
Cook was charged with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child and one felony count of reckless endangerment.
One more STRANGE detail: Cook comes from a WEALTHY family. Her father is Jack Knowlton, a horse racing icon, who owns FUNNY CIDE. . . the horse that won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness in 2003. (CBS 6 - Albany) (--Here's this demon's mugshot. . .)
You know I've told a lot of stories about that Crack-whore I was once married to, and in this line of work, we see tons of stories about unimaginably awful parenting. It's sickening. So, for us to be willing to say someone is THE worst mother of the year takes A LOT. But 37-year-old Wendy Knowlton Cook of Saratoga Springs, New York, may've just taken the title.
1.) Cook is a PROSTITUTE. And she would take her five-year-old daughter and eight-week-old son with her when she was "working".
2.) According to vice detectives, early Monday, Cook "performed on" at least two men in the front seat of her car. . . while the kids were AWAKE in the backseat.
3.) For the rest of the night, Cook was SMOKING CRACK right in front of the kids.
4.) And the worst move of all: WHILE she was breastfeeding her eight-week-old. . . she snorted a line of cocaine OFF OF HIS STOMACH. (--And THAT just crosses the line so far the line doesn't even exist anymore.)
Fortunately, one of the men she solicited on Monday was an undercover cop, who busted her. . . and got her kids AWAY from her. They're with family members now.
Cook was charged with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child and one felony count of reckless endangerment.
One more STRANGE detail: Cook comes from a WEALTHY family. Her father is Jack Knowlton, a horse racing icon, who owns FUNNY CIDE. . . the horse that won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness in 2003. (CBS 6 - Albany) (--Here's this demon's mugshot. . .)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
